The Darkness Before The Dawn
by iwantsprezzatura
Summary: So here I was, Reg was dead, the Horcrux indestructible at home, and me unable to tell the truth to anyone. Perhaps it was finally time to do something good and useful. "I want to join," I said. - sequel to Part of Your World - SiriusxOC - please read&review!
1. October 29, 1979

**Hello friends.**

 **This is the sequel to my stories On The Fence & Part of Your World, so if you haven't read those, then you can go over to my profile and check them out or otherwise this story won't make much sense.  
To those who have read the prequels: Welcome back. It's been a while, but here I am, so I hope you'll enjoy this final installment of Selene's journey ;)  
**

 **I apologize for any linguistic mistakes, since I am not a native English speaker, so please bear with me.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters, locations, plotlines or whatever else you might recognize.**

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 **October 29, 1979**

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Considering it was end of October, the good weather was very surprising. While it was not exactly warm, the sun did shine brightly down on us while we walked past the first headstones. The good weather was also very ironic.

It had been almost a month since Reg had died. I could still see it every time I closed my eyes, how we had entered the cave, how he had drunk the poison, how he had been pulled into the water by the Inferi. I had always feared for his life, ever since Reg first told me that he had joined the Death Eaters. I had feared even more after he had found out about the Dark Lord's wish to become immortal.

Sirius and I had not talked much about what had happened, mostly because I did not know how to put it all into words. If I had just been a little smarter, a little more careful, then maybe Reg would still be alive. He had wanted to be so brave - Reg had been convinced that, should he go to the Order with just the vague information of Horcruxes, they would not welcome him but lock him away.  
And while doing that, he had made the essential fault that usually only Gryffindors made - instead of being brave, he had been reckless and put himself in danger. Now he was dead.

Sirius squeezed my hand so tightly, it was bordering on painful. We had not been to the actual funeral, since neither of us fancied running into Mr and Mrs Black or any other relatives with possible Death Eater ties.

The Blacks had buried Reg on a Muggle cemetery in a small, secluded part of London. The story that had spread about his death was more fairytale than anything else. They said he had chickened out after he had gotten a taste of what it meant to be a Death Eater - and that he had promptly been killed for even attempting to leave their ranks.  
If it was shame or fear that had convince the Blacks to bury him so far off, I could not tell and it did not matter much, either way. I knew the truth, and if I was the only one, then so be it.

I glanced over to Sirius. He looked older than he was right now. His eyes were sunken, his skin was of an unhealthy greyish colour. I was fairly certain that he had barely slept in the past weeks, much like me.  
All throughout the last year, Reg and I had attempted to find out what the Dark Lord was planning to do and all throughout, I had not told Sirius what it had all been about. We had fought quite often about it - understandably, considering everything that had happened between the three of us.

Reg's headstone was rather plain, but I still wondered what the Muggles would think when they passed this tomb. What would they think about a name like 'Regulus Arcturus Black'. And then, they would look closer and find that the person with this weird name had died when he was just eighteen. Just out of school, barely a man.

"My mother must be close to a breakdown," Sirius mused when we stopped in front of the grave. "One son a bloodtraitor, one buried among Muggles. Not quite up to standard."

"Your mother should be proud," I answered, but my voice did not come out as firmly as I had intended. In fact, it was little more than a shaky whisper. "She doesn't deserve the sons that she has... had, whatever."

He laughed, though the sound was anything but joyful. It was a dry, sarcastic laugh, only due to the fact that the idea of his mother being proud of him was so ridiculous. It was something we both had in common - my parents did not talk of me, anymore, much less considered me their daughter. And Sirius had always been the black sheep of the family, anyway.

"Is it true?" Sirius asked suddenly. "That he wanted out?"

My heart clenched painfully. I had dreaded the question ever since the first rumours of Reg's death had been going around. Sirius had always been convinced that Reg was lost and a devoted Death Eater. I was not sure if telling him the truth would be a blessing or a curse.  
If Sirius found out that the brother he had shunned for so long had been a good guy all along, he would only regret the past. Every harsh word, every bit of animosity would come back to haunt him. I knew exactly how that felt.

"Is that what all your meetings were about?" he continued, his voice rising with urgency. "You searched for a way out, so nothing would happen to him?"

"Your brother had the Dark Mark," I said. "There was no way out."

"But he tried, didn't he?" Sirius continued. His hands gripped my shoulder and he turned me around to face him. "That's what you did that night-"

"There was nothing I could do," I told him honestly. "We got into something that was too much for us... and Reg paid the price."

Sirius sighed heavily and raked a hair through his messy hair. As he turned away slightly, my eyes watered with unbidden tears. I really should have known better than to encourage Reg on his suicide mission. I was a lousy excuse for a Slytherin.

"I'm just so sorry," I choked out while the tears ran down my cheeks. "This is all my fault..."

Sirius turned around again, his eyes widened in horror at my tears. He swiftly pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly to him and I clung to him with equal force. His fingers tangled in my hair while I sobbed into his chest.

"It's not your fault," he whispered, accompanied by assuring strokes down my back. "It's not your fault, Selene."

But it probably was. I could have done a lot to prevent this, including just going to Dumbledore the moment I had learnt of the Dark Lord's plan. There was no changing the past, though. Reg was dead and buried, I was still alive and back inside our flat, hidden in the cover of my pillow, was the Horcrux we had managed to steal.  
Reg had wanted to stop the Dark Lord - in fact, he had been willing to die for the cause. He _had_ died for the cause. He would have trusted me to find a solution to this problem now. The problem was, destroying a Horcrux was close to impossible, at least for me. And who would believe me that I had a piece of Voldemort's soul at my disposal?  
So here I was, Reg was dead, the Horcrux indestructible at home, and me unable to tell the truth to anyone. Perhaps it was finally time to do something good and useful.

I pulled back and Sirius' hands carefully trailed down my arms. I blinked the tears away and wiped at my nose, which was probably not very ladylike. "I want to join," I said.

His eyebrows drew together. "Join what?" he asked.

"The Order, of course," I told him.

"That's... no," he said, shaking his head. "No way."

I scoffed at that. "What do you mean _no way_?" I asked. "Like, I'm just a girl, or a Slytherin, or am I just - incapable?"

He huffed, clearly annoyed at me. It was just like us, I figured, that we would fight here of all places. Sirius and I had a talent for such things - most notably, we had both been convinced of the end of our relationship during all of James' and Lily's wedding.  
Still, I would not let him tell me no on this. Reg was dead because he had wanted to oppose the Dark Lord. I would not back down now - I wanted to fight, if only to honour Reg.

"It's dangerous," Sirius argued.

"You've joined as well," I shot back at once.

"Yes, but... Merlin, Selene, if anything happened to you-"  
He shook his head and then turned back to the headstone, inspecting it closely. This time, I stepped forward to take his hand, squeezing in reassurance as he had before. I did understand, of course I did - because I worried about him as well and was incredibly afraid that I would lose him just as we had lost Reg.

Maybe I truly was a lousy Slytherin, but I did not want to hide away just to stay safe and sound. The time for waiting around and keeping in the shadows was over.

"Yes, perhaps something will happen to me," I admitted. "And perhaps something will happen to you. But, honestly - would you rather it went down any other way? Because I prefer to go down fighting over living under You-Know-Who's rule."

Sirius sighed slightly and pulled his hand free. I echoed his sound while he turned away and picked up a tulip from a nearby flower bed. I watched him closely as he returned to the grave. In his hands, the flower bloomed and changed colour - the bright yellow turned jet black.  
He stared down at the ruined flower and then bent down and laid it down in front of the headstone. Sirius remained kneeling on the ground, staring at the inscription.

"You know what?" he asked, without taking the eyes of his brother's name. "You are right. Voldemort tries to take everything from us. He took my brother. No more. I'll talk to Dumbledore. We'll see what he says about your joining."

I knelt down next to him ignoring the dirty, hard ground beneath us and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. Together, we remained sitting in front of Reg's grave until night fell dark upon us.

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 **Please tell me if you enjoyed this chapter, I would very much like to hear from you guys.  
**

 **Also, if you're into the Hunger Games (and who isn't, really^^?), why don't you go over and check out my story for that. I'm still in the process of updating, though it's gotten quite long already and I like it rather well, so... I'd be happy if you gave it a chance.**

 **Being done with self-promotion, I hope y'all have a great day :)**


	2. November 15, 1979

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to BelieverofManyThings and Cae-Leigh Anne for reviewing.**

 **Hope y'all enjoy the new chapter.**

* * *

 **November 15, 1979**

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"You really don't need to be nervous."

I grunted in response, not even bothering to look in Lily's direction. She meant well, much like she always did, but it did not help me.  
Sirius had done as he promised and arranged for me to meet with the Order. He had proposed just letting me join - at least so he told me - but there had been the obvious doubts. He had assured me that he had been dutifully outraged at the suspicions against me, but I understood very well.  
I was a Slytherin, after all. My brother was one of the Dark Lord's most loyal servants. Everyone knew I had been engaged to Regulus Black, who had also been a Death Eater. My whole family was a bunch of Voldemort-worshippers. Had I been in the Order's shoes, I would have mistrusted me, too.

Still, that meant that I had to go through an ordeal to join. Some high-class members of the Order wanted to meet and interview me. Lily and James had promised to be there, since Alastor Moody had decided Sirius would be biased and influence everyone, including me.  
Moody was a famous Auror, mostly known for his paranoia and the fact that after he lost one eye, he had replaced it with a magical one that could see through walls. Needless to say, I was scared out of my mind.  
Truly, what could I say that spoke in my favour? My reassurances that I was on their side were void without proof and what proof did I have? Sirius' affection would hardly be enough.

"I mean it," Lily reiterated. "They're all really nice, it's just, everyone's so nervous with the war going on-"

"Lily, please," I said.  
Finally, I looked at her. While I was nervously pacing up and down in the foyer of Potter Manor, she was sitting on the stairs. As everyone else these days, she looked a little stressed out and worn down. Still, when I looked at her she smile reassuringly and it lit her up considerably.

"Won't you sit?" she asked, gesturing next to her. The stairs did not look particularly appealing, but I followed her offer, anyway.  
They had decided to use the Potter's home since I already knew the location and it was far enough off the beaten path so that a larger gathering of wizards would not draw too much attention.

I sat down on the hard cold step and sighed heavily. Originally, I had wanted to visit Mr Potter while I was already here - it would have been the polite thing to do, anyway, but since I was woke up this morning I was feeling sick and stepping into this place only made it worse. I most certainly did not want to puke on his feet.

"Sirius really did his best to make you look good already - not that you need it, I mean, you are good, very good, everyone knows you are on our side-"

"Lily," I repeated, burying my head in my hands.

"I'm serious," she said. "Everyone knows you left your family and you left Reg and how you got kidnapped by your own brother and all of that stuff. Dumbledore even told them he believed you. It's only Mad-Eye being paranoid again."

"I didn't leave Reg," I pointed out. It hardly mattered, but I felt the need to do it anyway. Mentioning Reg hurt bad enough as it was. "I cheated on Reg. And then he left me. And then he kissed me again. And then he died."

"All right," Lily said, frowning at me. "How about you stick to my version for now?"  
She was right, of course. There was no need to go into the depths of mine and Reg's relationship with anyone in this meeting. It would only paint me in the wrong light.

Footsteps echoed through the foyer, and I sat up as straight as possible. It was Fabian Prewett - I faintly remember meeting him on Lily's and James' wedding. I jumped up when I spotted him and he cracked an amused grin.

"Mad-Eye said to fetch you ladies," he said. "Best task that was to be had."

"Oh, stop flirting," Lily scolded, smiling back at the man. Personally, I tried very hard for a smile but it felt very strained.

Fabian grinned at me again, probably sensing my nervousness, and then waved for the two of us to follow him. I looked to Lily again and she graced me with yet another reassuring smile. In fact, she quickly squeezed my hand as we made our way towards the parlour.

Somehow, I had expected something very formal and not at all like the scenario I was presented with. Everyone was lounging about the room, completely at ease. Several people held cups of tea. James was munching on some unidentified sweets. No one seemed particularly worried at my arrival. Should they not have worried that I was preparing to kill them right now?

Mad-Eye Moody was perhaps the most remarkable person in the room, perhaps even the most remarkable person I had ever met. He was about ten years older than me, but he looked older than that. His face was ragged, covered in scars. The most scary part was that he did not turn to look at me. Instead, his magical eye scooted around in its socket and focused squarely on me.  
I drew in a shaky breath at the bright, blue gaze. Somehow, I felt as if he could see through me, right into my soul with that eye.

"Mad-Eye, don't frighten the girl," a good-natured voice interrupted and the eye rushed from me to the speaker.  
It was obviously Fabian Prewett's brother Gideon. They looked exactly alike - not necessarily in looks as such, but the grin he sent me left no doubt of their relation.

"Constant vigilance!" Moody barked at the man, who just rolled his eyes. "She might be a Death Eater!"

"Oh, sweet Merlin, Alastor," Lily said as she walked past me and towards James. "She's as much a Death Eater as you and I."

Moody only growled in response and waved me over to him. I would never know how my shaky legs carried me, but I somehow I made it across the room and sat down on the armchair across from him. By then, both his eyes - the magical, and the normal dark one - were watching me intently.

"So you want to join," he said roughly.

"Yes."

"Why?" he said, though it was more of a shout than an actual question.

"Because I want to be rid of You-Know-Who," I answered.

"Why?" he barked again. The question made me horribly angry - what kind of question was this, anyway? Why would I not want the Dark Lord to be gone? Who in their right mind would not want him gone?

"You know what - you're right," I said. "Actually, he's a really good guy. _Excellent_ leadership-qualities. I love how he promotes blood purity. Mixing things up would be a horrible crime. We wouldn't want to be liberal, right? Better just kill anyone who opposes the system. With him, we're looking into a bright future."

Behind me, James and the Prewett brothers started to laugh. While Moody still glared, I turned to look at them. Lily had thrown a hand over her mouth to hide her own smile.  
Maybe I had just blown my one chance to join, but in that moment it felt as if it had been the right thing to do. I had wanted to make a good impression, but I would never let anyone tell me that I was a Death Eater.

"All right," a kind-faced woman said. She stepped forward and laid a hand on Moody's shoulder, who proceeded to watch her with his magical eye without taking the other from me. "How about I ask the questions?"

"Fine," Moody growled. He rummaged through the pockets of his coat while the woman introduced herself - her name was Martha McKinnon and I made the connection before she pointed it out.

"I believe you once saved my daughter," she told me.

I remembered the day vividly - it had been one of the Slytherins who had hexed Marlene, who had then attempted to kill Lily. I had knocked the girl out, which hardly counted as saving in my mind. It had taken half a year until Marlene had fully recovered from the curse.

"I had a hand in preventing the worst," I admitted.

She smiled again, a very motherly smile that made me wish my mother had ever been like this. But I supposed that was not how old pureblood families worked - at least not if they were Slytherins.

"I believe you want to help," Mrs McKinnon told me kindly. "But some people are concerned because of the people you know. Especially since you were once engaged to Regulus Black."

My stomach clenched tightly at his name for the second time that day. It had been obvious this would come up, but it still took me off guard. Mostly because I knew I could not tell her the truth about Reg. I could not tell anyone the truth about Reg for various reasons.

"It was arranged by our parents," I answered. "Not an arrangement of my choice or doing. We separated quickly and I never supported any of his ideas... it hardly matters now. His allegiance has got him killed."

"His foolishness," Moody growled.

My eyes travelled back to him and I sighed lightly. "Perhaps also that," I answered.

They continued on with their questions about shady people I knew. Bellatrix Lestrange for example - "she's my cousin, but she was always a lunatic" - or my brother, who really was not much better. They also asked about Callie to which I admitted that we were once best friends.  
"Not anymore, though," I added. "Never again."

Moody continued glaring at me, but I supposed that was his usual look. The rest of the group was much more cheery about the interrogation. The Prewetts especially, continued interrupting me and joking around about the people I knew. Lily had been right with one thing - they all seemed very nice.  
They were still very cheery when the interrogation finally ended and I was allowed to leave with Moody's promise that my joining would be considered.

"Don't worry," Fabian assured me when he accompanied me outside. "He just doesn't know how to say yes."

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 **A review or two would make me very happy ;)**


	3. November 21, 1979

**Well, thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to BelieverofManyThings, i-want-a-jet-pack, Cae-Leigh Anne and guest just a reader for reviewing!  
Hope y'all enjoy the new chapter :)**

* * *

 **November 21, 1979**

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It was Sirius who told me that I was, in fact, allowed to join the Order a few days later. He said that everyone had been in favour of it from the moment I had walked out the door, only Mad-Eye Moody had taken longer to decide. Sirius believed it was just so he could keep spluttering about how we were not supposed to take risks.  
While the time I had to wait had been uncomfortable, I had to agree with Moody. As experience had shown, Death Eaters popped up everywhere, especially where you least expected them. How else would I have gotten kidnapped in the middle of school? It was better to be safe than sorry.

They did not waste any time putting me to work, though. Not even a week after I met the Order, I found myself patrolling Diagon Alley in the middle of the night. Apparently, Death Eater attacks on Muggleborns had increased and nowadays, they did not keep away from public places.  
I had been placed with Peter, though - I would never tell him so, but it convinced me that I need not be worried. Everyone knew Peter was not the most capable of wizard (granted, I was not the most capable of witches, either) and he would not be sent alone to a highly dangerous mission.

Clearly, he did not see it like this, because he was pale and shaking more than usual. He had been fidgeting already when we met at the Leaky Cauldron, but with every minute it got worse. It took half an hour until I finally broke.

"For Merlin's sake," I snapped at Peter, whose teeth were shattering. "Do you know something I don't? Because if not, pull yourself together."

He flinched at my tone and I instantly regretted my harshness. Then again, I had witnessed James and Sirius snapping at Peter countless times and he still considered them friends. Maybe this was what he needed.

"Sorry," he said in a small voice. "It's just... the Death Eaters."

"Do you seen any? I don't. They have better not show up, or I will-"

"You will what?"

This time, I flinched as well. A low, male voice had interrupted us and it belonged to a tall man that vaguely reminded me of a lion. He was standing a few feet down the road, watching uns intently. My heart stuttered in relief when I realized he was wearing a Ministry uniform. Not a Death Eater, after all.

"Defend myself, of course," I answered when my mind reminded me he had asked a question. "What else am I supposed to do?"

The man's mouth twisted in response and I wondered if this was supposed to be a smile or not. Next to me, Peter was fidgeting again. Only now, instead of going pale, his face had turned red as a tomato.

"A noble cause," the man said. "If you will accompany me, Miss Rosier."

My throat constricted tightly when he said my name. Clearly, this was no accidental run-in. This man had been looking for me for whatever reason. The relief that had previously lifted my spirits washed away and was replaced with a dark sense of dread.  
"Where to?"

"The Ministry. We have some questions we would like to ask you," he answered.

I squared my shoulders in an attempt to appear as self-confident as possible. I wondered if I had any success, because it did not feel much like it. "Questions about what?" I demanded.

This time, I was quite certain his expression was a smile, though his amusement was anything but kind. In fact, it was rather irritating. "Your brother, Miss Rosier."

My brother, obviously. Leave it to Evan to get me into trouble yet again. Still, this news was enough to get me moving. Firstly, because there was nothing they could charge me with - I did not know where Evan was nor what he was doing, much less what he was planning. And secondly, something could have happened to him and they needed me for very different reasons. In which case, a small part of me got strangely worried over my brother's fate.

When I reached the man, he grabbed me by the arm, but shot one last look at Peter. "I know why you're here, young man," he said. "I suggest you go home."

The last thing I saw before apparition was Peter nodding as hurriedly as he could.  
My insides were pressed together, it felt like being squashed together into the tiniest place. Everything whirled around, there was no light and yet too much colour, the air pressed onto my eardrums - and then suddenly, it was over again. I felt a little sick. I certainly preferred apparating myself over just being taken away.

He had obviously taken me to his office - at least if I interpreted the desk and shelves and mountains of files correctly. Someone cleared their throat behind me and I whirled around yet again.  
It was Moody. Considering everything, it made perfect sense for him to be here and yet somehow, I was stunned into silence while my brain tried to work things out.  
Moody was an Auror. He worked for the Ministry. This other guy was an Auror working for the Ministry and he clearly did not like the Order, considering how he treated Peter and I. Ergo - this guy could not know that I knew Moody.

"Great," I said, trying my best to give Moody a sceptical once-over. "Am I that much of a threat?"

"Hopefully not," the other man said, gesturing to a chair in front of his desk. "Please, have a seat."

I shot one last glance at Moody, who seemed not to be watching me at all, and went to sit down on the chair. Meanwhile, a wave of his wand had set one of the mountain-files aside so the man could properly look at me from the other side of the desk.

"My name's Rufus Scrimgeour," he said. "I've been given all these files - most of them concern your brother."

The piles suddenly seemed even higher than before. If all of those files were about Evan... did that mean-? "Did he kill so many people?" I asked, my voice shaking with dread.  
My mind suddenly produced a memory of times long past - Evan had been so careless as a child. He had been happy, joyful even. I remembered that we had played together, laughed, run around on the estate until mother had forbid it because we had made the house-elves stumble. How could that boy have become a cold-hearted murderer?

"Kill, maim, torture - some of those are just thefts, robberies... apparently, he's been showing himself all over the country, along with a few others. He's considered one of You-Know-Who's most faithful followers," Scrimgeour explained. He reached out and plucked the uppermost file from the nearest mountain. "This came in yesterday."

He shoved it towards me and I opened it with shaking hands. Evan had done horrible things to me in the past - hit me, kidnapped me, threatened me, tried to kill my friends several times. But he had also let me go that one time on New Year's Eve. Some part of me had always believed that not all hope was lost.  
It was a murder, as I had suspected. A family. A mother, a father. Two small children. A little girl with blonde hair and brown eyes. My eyes shot up towards Scrimgeour who was watching me intently.

"Why are you showing me this?" I demanded. "Making me sentimental? Convince me that he's a monster? There's nothing I could tell you about him that you don't already know."

He leant back, while Moody limped around the desk to stand behind him. His good eyes was fixated on me, the blue one was scanning the file in front of me.

"When have you last spoken to him?" Moody asked.

Mrs McKinnon had asked me the very same question not even a week ago. I wondered if he asked this question on purpose, or if Scrimgeour needed to know anyway. It hardly mattered - the truth would remain the same and there was no reason not to tell the truth.

"Half a year ago... we met on Platform 9 3/4. We argued a little and then parted ways," I recited.

"And since then?" Scrimgeour asked, his eyes narrowing at me. "No contact? No owl or anything like that?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. If he wanted to accuse me of something, he should just get it over with. "Why would I want to be in contact with him? You see what he's doing... it's insane. I have broken all relations I once had with my family, including Evan. I haven't spoken to him, I haven't heard from him. I have no idea what he's doing or planning or anything of the sort. I swear it."

I looked to Moody again and - it might have just been my imagination - he gave me a quick nod, hardly noticeable. Scrimgeour hopefully had not noticed. I bit back a smile. Perhaps, when push came to shove, Moody was not such a bad guy.  
Sadly, Scrimgeour was not yet down throwing unfounded accusations in my face. The next one really knocked it off.

"He's your brother," he mused. "I wonder what you would do if he, say, showed up at your doorstep."

My hands balled into tight fists. Was he not listening or was he just dumb? What party of our conversation so far had given the impression that I would ever, in any scenario, help Evan?  
"I would slam the door in his face and apparate the hell out of there!" I shot back. "Chances are, when he shows up at my doorstep, he's there to kill me."

Scrimgeour raised both bushy eyebrows at me. Moody had both of his eyes fixated straight on my face. And I was sitting there, bristling with anger. Who did this man think he was?

"Fine," Scrimgeour said. "I'm sure you understand we have to take precautions."

Next thing I knew, Moody had grabbed my arm and was dragging me along. We went out of the office, down a corridor and then down a flight of stairs. We emerged, amazingly enough, directly on the Minstry's atrium. Even in the dead of the night, there were several people running along and none of them cared that Moody was still dragging me by the arm.

"Listen," he growled into my ear as we approached the nearest fire place. "You go straight home. No other stops, you contact no one. You will be followed."

I looked to him with wide eyes, my mind trying to wrap around the fact that my every step would be observed. I could get all of us in serious danger. Moreover, there had been rumours that the Ministry's ranks had already been infiltrated - if they followed me, I could be leading Death Eaters right to our home.

"Do you understand?" Moody barked and despite my worry, I found myself nodding quickly. He muttered something else and then pushed me into the green flames. By the time I arrived in our flat, Sirius already knew. I had never seen him so spooked.

* * *

 **A comment or two would make me very happy ;)**


	4. December 22, 1979

**Thanks to everyone who read, alerted and most of all to BelieverofManyThings and Cae-Leigh Anne for reviewing.  
Hope y'all enjoy the new chapter :)**

* * *

 **December 22, 1979**

* * *

I barely made it out of the flat for the next month or so. Sirius apparated literally everywhere, afraid that his connection through the Floo Network would be observed and we both knew for a fact that we would be followed if we went out by foot.  
Personally, I was terrified that I would put even more people in danger. I had even offered Sirius to just move out, but he had gone almost mental on me for even suggesting such a thing.

Trouble was, Sirius was no good at being scooped up in the flat. Being scooped up anywhere, I supposed. And with every day that passed, he grew more tense and more angry.  
Even now, while I prepared dinner, Sirius was pacing up and down in the living room like a wild animal in a zoo. He walked to one end of the room, looked out of the window to the Ministry officer watching our door, turned sharply and walked over to the bookshelf on the other side of the room. Another sharp turn and the whole procedure started again.  
It made all my own pent-up anger well up with fresh vigour. Did he need to make this even more unbearable than it already was? He huffed in annoyance when he reached the window again and that was when I finally snapped.

"Sweet Salazar, won't you sit down?" I hissed. "You're making me dizzy."

He stopped abruptly, only to glare at me. "Concentrate on the pans, why don't you, then you won't have to see me!"

Without thinking, I curled the towel I was holding and threw it at him. A little bit of angry magic probably was the reason that it flew across the room and actually hit him in the face. "Take care of your own food! I'm not your house-elf, I'm your girlfriend!"

The towel landed forcefully on the ground when he plucked it from around his head and threw it down. "If only I had a house-elf instead, I would have much less trouble!"

Against my very will, tears shot into my eyes. I was not dumb enough to think that he meant it, but it still hurt. I knew very well that I had only ever caused Sirius trouble and heartache, but I had never done it on purpose. Merlin knew, if I could free us from this tiresome observation, I would do it in a heartbeat.

Her rubbed a hand over his face, sighing in defeat while I angrily wiped at the tears spilling down my cheeks. "Stop crying," he said roughly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't," I whispered as he approached, holding up a hand to make sure he would not touch me. "I'm just... it's Christmas soon, and I haven't even had the guts to go out and shop for presents. People are lounging about in front of our window, I can't go and visit our friends... I haven't heard from Remus in weeks, he could be dead by now and we just wouldn't know and I just..."

"I know," he interrupted me gently and I allowed his touch, then. He pulled me into his arms and I rested my head against his chest, trying hard not to wet his shirt with my tears. "We need to find a way to get the Ministry off our heels," he murmured into my hair. "Trust me, the Order's working on it."

The Order was probably cursing the day they let me join. Not even a week, and I had already brought the Ministry's wrath upon us. I should have just stayed put and let others do the work, instead of troubling everyone. I was a lousy Slytherin, really. I should have known better.  
Sirius pulled back a little to look at me properly. "We'll get through it," he assured me before he leant down and pressed his lips to mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed myself closer to him. A small moan escaped me when he gently trailed his tongue along my lower lip and-

A loud crack made the two of us jump apart. It was Lily - she had appeared in the middle of our kitchen and had blushed slightly when she spotted us. Sirius groaned in frustration and Lily let out a nervous little giggle.  
"Sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to interrupt."

"Well, you did," Sirius snapped, the bad mood returning to him in an instant.

"It doesn't matter," I said pointedly, causing his eyes to narrow at me. "It's good to see you, Lily, but you shouldn't be here, the Ministry's still lurking-"

"I know," she interrupted me, her face heating up yet again. "But I really need to talk to you. And James wants to talk to you, Padfoot, if you don't mind."

His expression lightened up so quickly, it was almost insulting. Sirius nodded eagerly, kissed me on the cheek and then evaporated with a crack. I blinked in confusion and then turned back to Lily, who was giggling again.

"What did you do to him?" she asked when she stopped laughing. "He just couldn't wait, could he?"

I shrugged slightly. "We're not doing so well," I told her. "It's so tiresome not being able to go outside."

Her smile faded and she reached out to stroke my arm reassuringly. "Dumbledore's working on it, himself. We've thought of something for Christmas, just hold on a little longer."

My spirits lifted considerably when she mentioned a plan for Christmas. It had been one of my greatest worries that we would be isolated and lonely during the holidays. Had I not been so angry at the lot of them, I would probably pity the Ministry officers outside as well. Surely, they had better things to do on Christmas than watch our never-changing window.  
I walked around Lily with an additional skip to my steps. She had indeed come with good news and I thought we should celebrate.

"Can I offer you a drink?" I said. "I feel like firewhiskey for several reasons."

"Actually," Lily said. "I don't want a drink. It's kind of why I came here."

I froze in my track and slowly turned back to her while my mind came out with the only possible reason for her words. Still, it seemed so unrealistic, so far from anything I had expected to be told that I could not quite process it.  
Lily was smiling again, her face flushed once more as she watched realization sink in. Meanwhile, I tried to come up with a proper response and because I could not, I just rushed to pull her into a tight hug.  
She laughed, a carefree, light laugh that was perhaps the happiest thing I had heard in weeks. Scratch that. It was the best news I had gotten in months.

"How long have you known?" I asked.

"I've suspected for a few weeks," she admitted. She was not blushing, I realized, she was positively glowing. "I've been to 's yesterday and they confirmed the pregnancy..."

I could not help myself and hugged her again. This was indeed splendid news. It was so good to know that life was still going on, that there would be a future, no matter what. A part of our future was now growing inside Lily.

"James almost fainted when I told him," Lily admitted. "He said it was bad timing."

I rolled my eyes, though I knew exactly what he meant. If memory served, Sirius and I had had that conversation already. I remembered very vividly how he had told me that he did not want to bring a child into this world, not during the war that was raging outside. Since James and Sirius agreed on pretty much everything, it was no wonder that James would react like this now.  
"I was thinking... maybe he was right," Lily said as she sat down on our couch, her expression sinking suddenly. "You know, we're fighting all the time, You-Know-Who is out there, you are trapped in your flat, Remus is trapped in a wolf pack, this is madness..."

Truth be told, Lily did have a point. Perhaps there would have been a better time. I could not imagine bringing a kid into the mess that was my life - but Lily clearly did not need to be told that.

"So?" I asked. "Life's always going to happen, Lily. Just imagine how happy the little thing will make you. All of us. We'll love it more than anything. Maybe then Remus'll have an excuse to stop living like a homeless person."

She laughed again at that and reached out to take my hands. "Thank you, Selene. Though he's a wolf and not homeless."

I laughed with her as I plopped onto the couch by her side. Our laughter took minutes to die down, so nice was it too finally be happy again. When I regained my composure, I let out a deep, relaxed sigh and we sank together, leaning against each other on the couch.

"What do you think it will be?" I asked. "A boy or a girl?"

She hummed indecisively while her fingers splayed across her belly, caressing subconsciously. "I'm kind of hoping for a girl," she said after a moment of thought. "A boy will attract trouble, just like his father, I don't think I can handle two of those."

"And he'd surely play Quidditch," I added.

"Right," Lily said. "I've watched enough of that for all my life. I need a girl."

We grinned at each other and then sank into comfortable silence. It did not matter if it was a boy or a girl, I figured. We would love the child no matter what and no one would love it more than Lily herself.

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	5. Christmas Eve, 1979

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* * *

 **Christmas Eve, 1979**

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Since I had not had the time or courage to go outside and get gifts, Sirius and I joined the celebration completely unprepared. Sirius was not prone to care about presents, anyway, and he had spent the last two days drinking away with James. Apparently, James was far from happy about becoming a father.

Sirius had tried to explain the sentiment the night before, when he had fallen onto the bed next to me, positively exhausted.  
"I think he's scared more than anything else," he told me, though his slur made things a little hard to understand. "I mean, it's... it's pretty crappy timing."

"Lily thinks so, too," I admitted. "Merlin, _I_ think so too... but it can't be helped."

Sirius groaned as if he already regretted what he was about to say next. "Well, it... could. Technically..."

Without turning to him, I reached out and slapped him on the arm in the hopes of sobering him up a bit. If he was not so drunk, he would not be saying such things. And James, once he had the time to think about it a while, would not be saying such things either.  
I was willing to bet that when the child was born, James would curse the day he ever thought about getting rid of it. I just hoped, very much hoped that he had not said anything about this to Lily. She would throw a fit.

He huffed and then rolled over to look at me. He did not look all that drunk, I figured. "What would you do?" he asked, eyes boring into mine. "If this was us, I don't know what-"

"It's not us," I said pointedly. "Lily and James are going to be so happy, they'll have their little family and their white picket fence. But you know as well as I do, that's not us. You and me can be happy when we get even a moment's rest."

"Yes," he said, his eyebrows drawing together tightly. "But what if-"

"We'll just have to be careful," I said, rolling my eyes at him. "If you continue coming home drunk, we're not going to have a problem, anyway."

He copied me and rolled his eyes as well, before he turned onto his back again, staring up at the ceiling. "They're becoming parents," he muttered. "They'll have a child... before we know it, they'll be old. I hate that kid already."

Lily had not promised too much - the Order had found a way for us to spend Christmas among friends. They had set up a safe-house, protected by the Fidelius charm. Lily whispered the address to me after we had apparated onto the doorstep.  
When we entered, we found that the whole place had been decorated. The Weasleys had brought their five children, Molly Weasley already heavily pregnant with the sixth. They hung about their uncles, especially the twins who just refused to leave Fabian and Gideon's side.  
Martha McKinnon had brought her family, as well, though it was considerably smaller. Marlene's eyes lightened up when she spotted Sirius and me and she skipped over to greet us. She had grown a lot since the time she had gotten attacked, not necessarily in height but in personality.  
Mad-Eye had brought this own flask because, as he claimed, he could not be sure that he was not being poisoned if he accepted drinks from anyone else. It caused Molly Weasley to have a right fit.

Peter, for once, was neither pale nor shaking. In fact, his cheeks were flushed slightly, but he was also already a little drunk when he greeted Sirius and me.

"Sirius," he exclaimed, hugging him a little sluggishly. "My old friend..."

Sirius met my eyes over his head, frowning slightly at Peter's strange behaviour. Then again, had Wormtail's behaviour not always been a little strange?  
"Right, Wormy," he said. "How're you doing?"

"Splendid," Peter assured him as he drew back. "Just splendid. Have you heard from Remus?"

The sudden change of topic made me tense up. Remus was not here tonight and Lily had confided that he would not come, either. The werewolves apparently renounced human traditions like Christmas.

"No," Sirius answered gruffly. "We haven't heard from anyone much."

Peter pulled a face. "Right," he muttered. "I forgot... I just think it's really strange, don't you? He hasn't been around, he hasn't been in touch..."

"He can't be, Peter," I reminded him. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm just saying," he said, shifting uncomfortably. "Those werewolves are practically already Death Eaters..."

Sirius' eyes narrowed dangerously and I reached out to touch his arm in order to calm him. "Remus is not a Death Eater," he snapped. "Who's telling you these things?"

Peter shrugged non-commitally. "Everyone's talking about it," he muttered, before he spotted the bowle and took off across the room to get another drink.  
Sirius met my eyes again and he huffed in annoyance. I honestly did not know what Peter thought, saying things like that. Everyone who knew Remus also knew that he was the kindest person one would ever meet. If there was one man who would never join the Death Eaters, it was him.

"He's drunk," I said finally.

He hissed under his breath, but then stalked off to have a drink with Peter despite everything. I watched as James joined them and ripped the glasses from their hands.  
I laughed slightly, but was soon punished by Sirius complaining that he was now not allowed to drink, because apparently, Lily could not drink and had therefore forbid James from drinking who in turn forbid everyone else from drinking.

The good thing about this was that it left me free to observe the dynamics of the Order. Sirius and his friends were the youngest members here, and it was quite curious. In my mind, they had always been the older ones, the ones to turn to when I needed protection or support.  
Professor Dumbledore was clearly the one everyone looked up to and quite often, disputes were settled by a simple 'Dumbledore said so'. In his absence, everyone seemed to turn to Mad-Eye when they needed an authority figure, despite his paranoid ways. (Matter of fact, he had not only brought his own drink, but also his own food. It would have been very rude, except I did not think he wanted to be rude, he just wanted to be safe.)  
Molly Weasley, with all her kids and her pregnancy, was as much the mother of the whole bunch as anyone could be. It was quite impressive how she easily brought everyone under control, including even her brothers.

Fabian and Gideon reminded me of Sirius and James in a lot of ways. They were brilliant, there was no doubt about it. Everyone seemed to know it and even the smallest amounts of magic they performed that night were enough to have me impressed. Yet they were incredibly goofy and it was hard to take them completely serious.  
Currently, they were chatting with Dorcas Meadowes, a young woman who was training to become an Auror. Sirius called her vicious and Lily called her inspiring. I supposed it was a mixture of both.

And then, there were the McKinnons - Mrs McKinnon was a very special person, in my mind. She was also the only person who could reign in Moody's paranoia and Molly's incessant fussing.  
All of it felt like a big family gathering, including all the fun and all the fights. I had never quite witnessed a celebration like this. Festivities in my parent's circles had been more about appearances than anything else.

"Hey," Sirius said, wrapping an arm around my waist and pulling me close. "What are you worrying about?"

"I'm not worrying," I said, looking around to see Frank and Alice Longbottom giggle to each other. They had just gotten married, mostly because they, too, had found out that they were expecting a child.

"You're thinking very hard on something, though," he said and reached out to gently trace over my forehead.

"I'm just... wondering how everything can be so bad and I can still be happy," I told him, finally turning to meet his eyes. "Can you imagine this to be a pureblood party?"

He groaned and then suddenly started laughing. "Just think of my mother," he said. "She and Molly would kill each other within minutes."

I laughed as well before leaning up and kissing him on the cheek before leaning back against him. Things had seemed so dire these past few days and maybe I had overseen how good I really had it. I was free of my old life. I was not going to be married off to a Death Eater or forced into service, myself.

His lips gently pressed to my temple and he gently breathed into my hair. "I love you," he whispered.

I smiled up at him and pecked him quickly on the lips. "I love you, too," I answered.

He bent down to answer my kiss before James called across the room and we were both hauled away. Lily had allowed them to drink after all.

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	6. January 27, 1980

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* * *

 **January 27, 1980**

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The Minstry laid off on us around New Year's, at least officially. I supposed they were tired of observing us without anything happening. Perhaps they had figured we had the means to keep our privacy and thought it best to weigh us in security. Neither Sirius nor I truly believed in our safety.  
Dumbledore did not believe it either and when I talked to him around mid-January, he told me he thought it to be the calm before the storm. Personally, I would rather have the a storm than keep waiting for it. At least, afterwards, the world was either destroyed or the sky lightened up. But waiting was torturous.

Without Ministry wizard lurking behind us all the time, I was finally allowed to make a visit, though, that I had long since wished for.  
Maia looked well, better than I had seen her in long. She squealed when she saw me and for a moment I feared she would start jumping up and down like an excited child.  
She just hugged me, though, very tightly and with more strength than I had suspected in her gentle bones. I desperately tried to recall when she had last smiled so brightly. It must have been years, back when she and Callie and I had still been friends.

"I can't believe you're here," she said, twirling around the room. It was a small room under the roof in the house of Andromeda and Ted Tonks. They had a daughter, who had actually started jumping when she met me. She had knocked down a vase with all the movement, but her parents had not seemed surprised by it. Then again, Andromeda had always been like this, too, at least if I remembered the old family gatherings correctly. My aunt Drusilla used to have been awfully exasperated with her.

"Me, either," I said. "For a while there, I thought I would never leave our flat again."

Maia's face fell slightly, but she attempted to hide it by offering me tea. I had seen it, though, and I instantly felt bad about it. Why would I complain about being locked up to a person who was still locked up?

"Macnair's about to marry," Maia said, while she busied herself with the pots. "They found him some other girl."

"I heard," I said, though I had only just heard from Andromeda a few minutes ago. "Poor girl, she's quite a bit younger than him."

"Oh, she's a horror," Maia retorted. "My parents are good friends with her parents and - whatever, I just hope that they will stop searching for me once he's married. What would he want with me, then, anyway?"

I shrugged slightly. Truth be told, I did not think he would ever stop looking for her. Macnair was a vengeful man and a Death Eater as well. But it was no good to dwell on such unhappy thoughts while we only had such a short time.

"You look good," I told her. "I'm quite impressed."

"Oh, they are wonderful. Your cousin's so nice, they take care of me so well. And Remus, too, when he manages to stop by-"

"Wait, hold up!" My hands rose to stop her flow of word. "Remus stops by?"

No one had ever told me about that and it begged the question who knew about it outside of this little household. Why would Remus stop by, anyway, and risk himself and everyone else here? We had not seen him in weeks, months even, but he stopped by here.  
Maia blushed furiously and I watched her in wonder. Who would have thought, I marvelled. The pureblood and the werewolf, it was almost the stuff of fairy tales.

"He just... I suppose he worries, since he brought me here," Maia explained hurriedly, never looking up to meet my eyes. "Out of responsibility, you know?"

A giggle escaped my lips and she looked up with wide eyes. While such a behaviour would fit Remus, her blush told quite a different story. "I'm sure that's it," I teased. "He feels responsible."

She bit her lip, but she could not stop the smile spreading on her face. "He's very... sweet," she finished and the word came out as a dreamy sigh that made me chuckle yet again.  
This was just perfect. I could not wait to see Sirius' face when I told him about the new development. And I was happy for Remus and Maia, I truly was. Even the slightest bit of happiness was worth celebrating these days. It was no wonder that Maia looked so much better than before.

"I'm worried, though," Maia said suddenly. "He's with the wolf pack and they're not very nice."

"I know," I said. "I worry, too. But Remus wants to do this and he knows what he's doing. I'm sure he'll be safe."

Silently I wondered what it would be like to have Sirius in that position - the hidden spy amongst enemies - and never knowing when or if he would make it back home. It made my heart clench in fright. Things were bad enough as they were, I did not know if I could ever handle such a predicament.  
Maia smiled once more and hugged me again. "I'm really glad you're here," she confessed. "I was afraid we'd never be friends again."

"Don't be ridiculous," I said and it that moment it truly felt like the most ridiculous notion. "We'll always be friends."

Fate has this funny habit, surely everyone has noticed it already. Whenever there is a happy moment, a moment of peace when you wish for it to last just a little bit longer, it strikes. And fate always comes up with the most cruel of possibilities in these moments.  
The door to the room burst open and Ted Tonks strode hurriedly inside. "The Order called," he told me, his voice shaking slightly. "The Death Eaters are attacking Potter Manor."

If we had not been in the middle of a battle, I was sure Sirius would have killed me on the spot just for showing up. As it was, Potter Manor had sunken into chaos. It was hard to tell how many people there were, how many Death Eaters or how many Order members. Spells were flying everywhere and I just so dodged a bit of very dangerous looking green magic.  
Next to me, a painting went down in a burst of shards and splinters. I pressed my eyes shut at once while the splinters cut into my cheek and forehead. Someone was yelling but it was hard to make out actual words.

Sirius pulled me from behind the cupboard I had used to protect me from the next round of deathly spells.  
"You shouldn't have come here," he snapped and I nodded hurriedly.

"I know," I said. "But I couldn't stay away, right?"

He huffed in annoyance, but it did not register as such to me - too relieved was I to find him alive and unharmed. While I smiled and he glared, another spell was shot at us and Sirius pushed me down with him behind the cupboard.  
I jumped up quickly, yelled ' _Reducto!_ ' and crouched down again, listening to the explosion I had caused. There was a pain-filled scream and I hoped desperately that it had been one of our enemies.

Sirius raised slightly to check and he smiled tightly. "That was pretty good," he admitted.

"Oh," I said, quite surprised at myself. "Good."

He huffed again and then quickly pressed his lips to mine. "I love you," he said. "Don't get killed."

I did not have time to return the sentiment - both, really - before he dashed away again, shooting spells right and left as he went. I followed soon after, though I did turn into a different direction at the next corner.  
I should not have. Death Eaters were uncomfortable enemies, not only because of their skill and ruthlessness, but also because one could never see their faces behind the masks. I never knew if I shot my spells at human beings or a devil incarnate. Perhaps the latter. At the very least, the first one did not even attempt to play nice.

" _Avada Kedavra_!"

I rolled across the floor to avoid the spell and it whizzed right above my ear. " _Stupefy!"_

I did not attempt to kill and it would not have worked anyway. With a flick of his wand, the Death Eater waved my spell away and shot back. " _Expelliarmus!"_

" _Protego!"_

The spells collided right in front of me, leaving behind a flash of light and shaking air. The Death Eater was, for a moment, just as transfixed as I and when I came to my sense, I grabbed the one chance I had.

" _Petrificus Totalus!"_

He realized too late what was happening and his limbs snapped to his body before he fell face-first onto the ground. Breathing heavily, I scrambled to my feet and pushed past the motionless body. Just so, I resisted the urge to pull of the mask and see who it was. But deep in my mind, I was afraid that it was Evan and I never wanted to know that he had tried to kill me.

I slid along the hallway and came out atop the great staircase to the foyer. Down in the hall, Lily and James were battling with five Death Eaters. My heart clenched in fright, but I was soon distracted by a fight closer to me.  
Just a few steps down, Mr Potter was fighting Bellatrix Lestrange. She had pulled of the mask and was laughing madly. He looked rather fierce and I was absolutely impressed by his prowess.

Her eyes rose to me and I was shortly distracted by the colour - how could it be that she looked so similar to her sister Andromeda and yet be so vastly different? How could her sister's eyes hold so much kindness and hers only sparkle in hatred?

"Oooh," Bellatrix cooed, waving away Mr Potter's next attack easily. "Look who joined us."  
Her wand rose to me and she smiled even wider than before. " _Crucio!"_

I was prepared for the pain, but it never came. I screamed nevertheless. Mr Potter had stepped into he spell's way and he collapsed at once. Bellatrix's eyes widened slightly, but it was a gleeful kind of shock that played on her face. Mr Potter tumbled down the stairs, his body seizing in pain until he hit the lowest step and his neck broke with a sickening crack.

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	7. January 28, 1980

**Thanks to BelieverofManyThings, "guest" (he had to die because I wanted him to, of course^^), Cae-Leigh Anne and Ash-Caro-Lynn for reviewing! It's greatly appreciated and I hope you enjoy the new chapter!**

* * *

 **January 28, 1980**

* * *

I launched myself at Bellatrix with a cry of anguish. There was no proper thought, no cunning plan - the only thought still coherent in my mind was that I wanted, _needed_ , revenge.  
My cousin let out a gleeful cackle at my approach before she vanished into thin air and appeared again at the top of the stairs. Her eyes were gleaming with mad joy as she easily dodged my Stunning Spell.

"Are you angry?" she taunted while I blocked whatever curse she had sent my way. "Did the good man die?"

" _Confringo!"_ I called.  
The uppermost step exploded into a mass of dust and splinters and Bellatrix was thrown backwards with the impact. I cast a quick glance over my shoulder. Lily had fallen to her knees by the unmoving form of Mr Potter while James and Sirius were holding off the Death Eaters around them - I was sure that when I had last looked, Sirius had not been there.

Above me, her tell-tale giggle reminded me that Bellatrix was far from done for. The rage burned wild inside me and I bounded up the stairs to get to her. She was already waiting, twirling her wand lazily as she watched me.

"Evan told me you had gone mad," she said lightly and I narrowed my eyes at her. "I never quite believed it. But it seems he was right."

"I don't care what Evan says," I shot back as I climbed over the rubble that my explosion had caused. "He's a monster, just like you."

"I'm a monster?" she breathed, her eyes shining again with amusement. "The old man stepped in to save you. This is _your_ fault."

Something inside me broke. Morals, responsibility, anything reasonable just flew right out of the window at her audacity. I just could not fathom that she dared to blame this on me when it had been her curse that caused his fall, when this was all on her, her stupid Death Eater friends and her abhorrent Dark Lord.  
I just wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to suffer, to scream in pain. I just wanted retribution.  
I remembered that one day, many years ago, Evan had talked of Unforgivable Curses. He had heard of them in school - never seen one, much less practiced it, but he had been intrigued. _'They say you need conviction,'_ he had told me very seriously. _'You need to really mean it.'_

That day, I did not lack conviction. My Cruciatus Curse hit her unmistakably and she convulsed, screaming in pain just like I had wanted her to.  
I stalked towards her as she continued writhing on the floor, while a nagging though rose in my mind. If you can torture her, I kept thinking, then you can kill her, too. I had already raised my wand above her when a hand snaked tightly around my wrist.  
In retrospect, I should have seen it coming. I had already dreaded the moment that I would find my brother fighting against me, but now that it had finally arrived, it was even worse than before.

"Let me go," I said. "I have someone to kill."

"I'd rather you didn't," Evan answered coldly. "No Unforgivables from you, little sister."

Everything inside me tensed to the point that the anger just needed out. The coil sprung and when I pushed my brother away, the magic erupted as well, letting him fly backwards.  
"I said to let me go," I hissed. " _Brother_."

Evan set up slowly, rubbing a hand over his face which was smeared by blood. Somehow, I could not remember if the blood had been there before. Had it been me or had someone else wounded him? Was it even his own?  
While I had been preoccupied, my spell on Bellatrix had broken. She had clambered to her feet and was already in fighting stance when I turned back to her.

"Well?" she challenged. "How about it, little girl?"

My eyes drifted back to Evan, who was just picking himself up. One of them, I figured I could have taken in my anger, but two of them were too much. I started to back away carefully, prompting yet another laugh from Bellatrix..

"She's so sweet," she said towards Evan and I used the momentary lack of attention to make a run for it. I dashed away, hopping over the destroyed step and ran hastily down the stairs.  
They were right behind me, I could hear it - their steps, their shouts, their cackling. The Order had almost completely assembled in the foyer while I had been gone - I spotted Sirius again, Fabian and GIdeon Prewett next to him and -

I knew the Death Eaters noticed him when I did. Professor Dumbledore stood among the crowd, shooting spells in every direction. Bellatrix, behind me, let out an undignified screech that caught everyone's attention. Dumbledore, too, turned towards her and I let myself drop to the ground to avoid the spell he shot her way.  
She disapparated before she could get hit with a loud crack. Death Eaters and Order members stood transfixed for a moment before one by one, each with a colourful plop, the Death Eaters disapparated. Evan met my eyes for a short second before he vanished and I stood up against the protest of my wobbling legs when he was gone.

The aftermath of the battle dissolved into an unclear haze for me. People were hurt, badly - in fact, I was pretty sure Marlene McKinnon had to be whisked off to 's yet again and that Frank Longbottom had a wound above his eye that just would not close. The worst I had were a few bruises and scratches on my knees and legs from when I had fallen onto the stairs. Nothing bad, at least physically. My mental state was quite a different matter.

The Death Eaters vanished and they had taken most of my anger with them. Instead, I just felt hollow. Sirius was sitting next to me, crying, his tears mixing with the blood on his face while I contemplated that maybe, I should be crying, too.  
Yet somehow, it felt so unreal. That the Death Eaters would attack us, in our own homes. That Mr Potter was dead, gone for good, his neck broken as he fell onto his own stairs. Bellatrix' laughter still rang hauntingly in my ears. Maybe I would never get rid of it again. It was incomprehensible to me how one could take such joy in the misery of others.  
Or maybe it was not, a nagging voice inside me said. After all, I had been quite pleased to see her suffer at my hand...

Someone - I could not recall who, some human who was still, miraculously, functioning properly - handed out water and towels. Sirius rocked back and forth in his seat next to me and so it was me who reached out and took the goods.  
He winced when I first touched him, but I did not stop. Carefully, I wiped the blood and sweat of his face, his neck, his arms. This was the only thing that made sense in that moment. Clean everything up. We would look as if it had never happened and then, maybe, we could pretend it never had.

Sirius grabbed the towel from me suddenly and I turned my eyes up to look at him. His grey eyes held so much pain, I wondered if, where I was numb, he felt the double amount of sorrow.  
"How?" he whispered helplessly.

He did not say anything more, but I knew what he meant - how could this have happened, how could the world have crumbled so fast around us? How could someone so kind, so compassionate, so good suddenly be only dead?  
I shook my head slightly and Sirius buried his head in his face, his shoulders shaking with silent tears. I reached out to gently trail my fingers through his hair, wondering if there could be such a thing as comfort in the current situation.

James was currently screaming and crying and throwing things at the same and I looked up to see Lily weeping as well, while she tried to calm him down. Her hand was pressed protectively over her belly.  
Sirius suddenly sat up, his gaze focused on the same scene that I had been watching. "I have to," he mumbled, moving to get up before I pulled him back down.

"There's nothing you can do," I told him, surprised at the flimsiness of my voice.

"It's his dad," Sirius said, his voice breaking with every word. "It's... he was... I..."  
When he could not find the words, Sirius just pulled me to him tightly and buried his face in my hair, crying quietly. I gripped onto his shoulders as hard as I could to steady myself. If there was nothing else to do, I at least had to be strong for him.  
Meanwhile, Lily had thrown herself at James and the two clung together as tightly as possible. I closed my eyes to block out the images and willed myself to remember happier times. Maybe, if I dreamed hard enough, we would finally escape this nightmare that was our life.

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	8. February 9, 1980

**Thanks to BelieverofManyThings, Ash-Caro-Lynn, Cae-Leigh Anne and "Guest" for reviewing ( Guest - I changed the chapter issue, thanks for making me notice! I'd love to respond to some of your criticism, so if you'd like and are able to, PM me and we can talk :))**

 **Hope y'all enjoy the new chapter!**

* * *

 **February 9, 1980**

* * *

I was absolutely sick of graveyards.

Mr Potter's death was horrible enough as it was - and despite what I had told Bellatrix, I did feel guilty about it. How come, I wondered, that I us often stood idly by while other people succumbed to deathly threats? - but that was, by far, not the worst part about the funeral.  
It undoubtedly was the look of utter devastation on both James' and Sirius' faces.

Sirius had not been saying much about it. In fact, all he had talked about was James, how James needed him, how much James had lost, how horrible it all was. He had not said a single word about his own sadness since we had left the scene of the fight that night.  
I was not sure if his act convinced anyone else, but he could not lie to me. The pain in his eyes was so apparent, it was impossible not to notice.

In front of us, James threw a bit of soil onto the casket, directly followed by the flowers Lily had been holding. He was not crying, not anymore. When I had talked to Lily earlier, she had said that she thought he just dried up by now.  
"It's been really tough," she had added.

Sirius' arm that was wrapped around me suddenly tightened painfully and I shot him a concerned look. He did not look at me.  
"All right, love?" I whispered. "We're up next."

He pressed his eyes closed and gave a sharp shake of his head. I nodded even though he could not see and turned to Peter and Remus next to us, indicating that they should go forward without us.

"Darling," I said softly. "I know you're hurting, but you should go say goodbye."

His eyes opened again and he met my gaze. "I don't know if I can," he answered.

"You'll regret it if you don't," I reasoned gently.

Sirius took a deep, steadying breath and his grip on me finally loosened. It had to be so horrible for him, I figured. The Potters had been the only people who ever qualified for proper parents in his life. I remembered very well when I had first them and Mrs Potter had so nonchalantly referred to him as 'our boy' as if it as the most natural thing in the world to adopt your son's best friend.

"It's just," Sirius said lowly. "James... I feel bad to mourn when he's so... it's his dad."

"You cared for him, too," I said.

"Yes," he said, almost indignantly. "He was like..."

He caught himself before he finished the sentence, his eyes trailing over to James again as he sighed. I rubbed over his arm in another attempt at comfort and watched as he squared his shoulders.  
"All right," he muttered as he let go off me. Sirius moved forwards to the grave and I chanced a look to James and Lily. She smiled at me a bit, a small, sad albeit approving smile. She had probably sensed the same thing that I had.  
I was still watching when Sirius joined them and hugged James. They had never looked more like actual brothers than in that moment.

The Order met at the safe-house afterwards for the wake. Sirius and James seemed inseparable again and after their fourth drink or so I even heard one of them laugh, even though it was a short and almost desperate sound.  
While they were occupied with each other, I took the chance to talk to Remus. I wished we had met under better circumstances, but I was still happy to see him relatively well.

"It's good to see you, mate," I said and he sent me a tight smile.

"It's good to be here," he admitted. "My life's gone to the dogs lately."

I might have laughed at the quip if he had not looked so serious as he said it. "We'll get through this," I assured him. "Always a light at the end of the tunnel, right?"

He grimaced slightly, but nodded. "I know Maia told you," he said suddenly, and his fingers tightened comically around the glass he was holding.

"She's pretty taken with you," I admitted. "I mean, I understand. You're a good catch."

"I'm a horrible catch," he shot back.

"Remus-"

"I'm a werewolf, who is currently entrapped in a whole pack of rogues, I will never have a proper job, I will always be a threat to everyone close to me," he ranted, shaking his head profusely. "I'm sorry, this is so disrespectful, James' father is dead-"

I sighed heavily, looking around to make sure that neither James or Sirius were anywhere near. While I did believe in what I was about to tell Remus, I did not think that they should hear that right now. They needed the time.  
"We're still alive," I said. "And life will go on and the problems will go on...you're a good guy, Remus. Any girl should be happy to have you, despite everything."

He pulled a face again, but nodded. I spontaneously decided to hug him, because I pitied him so much in that moment. Remus was probably one of the best people I had ever met and yet he had it so hard. It was not fair.  
None of this fair for any of us. What had James done to deserve having his parents ripped away from him so suddenly? What had Sirius and I done to warrant our biological family going after our chose one?  
My thoughts wandered to another graveyard and another undeserved death. Reg had found his death for finally doing something right. Maybe it was true after all and no good deed went unpunished.

I stepped back, glancing over to Sirius who was just taking a generous swig from a firewhiskey bottle. "I'm sorry," I said vaguely to Remus. "I need to get out of here."

He looked surprised, but did not even attempt to stop me. Not even half an hour later, I was sitting in front of Reg's grave, uncaring of the cold biting into my skin, uncaring of how dirty my clothes were getting, uncaring of anything, really.  
It was probably incredibly rude to abandon an ongoing funeral to visit a grave of someone who should not even have been my friend, but I could not help myself.

Somehow, I wished I could still talk to him. We had been through so much, it was almost natural to share all the horrendous things that happened to us. I wondered if I would think about these things were he still around. Perhaps not. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and whatnot.  
I wished I could still tell him, that I cared for him, that I missed him. I wished I could have saved him, pulled him out of that bloody lake before it was too late. I was useless in that department, was I not? I could not save Reg and I had let Mr Potter die in my place...

"I thought now he's dead I'd finally finish competing with my brother."

I flinched as Sirius' voice rang out behind me. Grand, I thought, that was precisely what I hoped would not happen. How had he even found me here? Was I so obvious?

"Relax," he said when he noticed my wary look. "That was my attempt at a terrible joke."  
He bent down and wrapped his jacket around my shoulders. "You must be freezing. What are you doing out here?"

"I just... I haven't been out here in a while," I muttered, gesturing to the headstone. "I brought him flowers."

Two very lonely lilies that were left from Mr Potter's funeral. Maybe I should have gone through the effort of buying new ones, I figured. It would have been more respectful to both of them.

"I know you don't want to hear it," I said in a small voice. "But I miss him."

He sat down next to me and pulled me to him. Considering he was missing his jacket and it was freezing out here, he was surprisingly warm. I snuggled closer, relishing in his embrace. "I know," he said. "I miss him, too."

I hoped that from wherever Reg was now, he could hear that. Neither of them would have ever admitted it, but the Black brothers had been so important to each other. It was a true shame they had never gotten to work it out.

"I just," I attempted to explain. "I can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. Just like I can't believe James' dad is.. and it both happened before my very eyes. Why do these things happen? It's not right."

Sirius sighed again. He smelled off alcohol, but he seemed rather sober. He obviously knew how to hold his liquor. His eyes were glistening with tears again, though, but he kept them at bay somehow.  
"We'll have our revenge," he promised me. "We'll make them pay. And everyone will be able to sleep in their beds at night without worrying that someone will show up and kill them."

He pulled me even closer and I gave in at once, clinging to him as if my life depended on it. I really, really hoped he was right. Because if this was how the world would be forever - a world full of misery and senseless deaths - I did not want to live in it much longer. What was the point?

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	9. March 24, 1980

**Thanks to everyone who read, alerted and most of all to Ash-Caro Lynn, BelieverofManyThings, and HOLY SHIT I'M ON FIRE for reviewing!**

* * *

 **March 24, 1980**

* * *

Sirius was already up and about when I awoke. My fingers reached blindly for him when the bed felt strangely deserted. I shot up when all they hit was the mattress, immediately worried. Most days, it was hardly possible to make Sirius get up and start the day and now he had gotten up and not even woken me up.  
My head spun with horrible possibilities - attackers, kidnappers, murderers - and I rushed to pull on my dressing gown. I tapped into the living room and found him sitting over a cup of tea and toast. Relief flooded through me and I felt a little ridiculous for being so paranoid.

He looked up and I ran a hand through my hair in embarrassment as he took in my dishevelled form. "Look at you," I said. "You're out of bed, you made breakfast, I can hardly believe it."

His lips twitched slightly as I moved to join him at the table. "Sorry, I didn't mean to worry you," he said.

I wanted to scoff and tell him that I certainly had not been worried, but there was no point. He knew me much better than that. Instead, I sat down next to him and took a slice of toast from his plate. "So why are you up?" I asked

"Peter just called in," Sirius said. "Dumbledore wants to talk to us tonight."

"Us?" I asked. "As in you and me?"

"Well, a few more people," he said. "But apparently, we're not supposed to tell anyone who doesn't attend tonight."

My eyebrows drew together in confusion. Another most unusual thing that happened this morning. I had barely seen Professor Dumbledore in all the time since I had joined the Order. I did not have the impression that he did not trust us, but neither me nor my friends were the most central people in the Order. Still too young, still too inexperienced to be entrusted with the high-profile stuff. What in Merlin's name did he have to tell us now?

"Right," Sirius said as if he had been reading my thoughts. "This can't be good."

"Or maybe it could," I retorted. "Aren't you always complaining that you don't get to do the 'cool stuff'?"

He huffed. "But the cool stuff always entails that something horrible has happened."

"Now you realize it," I said and smiled slightly back to me.

I might have been joking about it, but he was absolutely right. If Dumbledore was planning some kind of mission for us, that could only mean that things were bad and it would undoubtedly be dangerous. The Slytherin inside me screamed to get away while I still could, but I muted that voice at once. There was no backing away anymore.  
I got up and kissed him quickly on the cheek. "Don't worry," I told him. "Whatever we imagine is probably much worse than what's actually going on."

I could not have been more wrong.

Sirius and I were the first to arrive at the safe-house that night, though the rest joined us soon after. James still looked pale and worn-down, but Lily, in contrast, looked much better than when I had last seen her. With a bright smile, she told me that her morning sickness had finally subsided and when she turned to the side I found out she was starting to show.  
To my great surprise, Remus came as well - he had a few new scratch marks, but looked otherwise much happier. "Moved up in the hierarchy," he told me and pointed to a particularly deep scratch.

"Wow," I said and that was pretty much all that I could say to that. It amazed me that human beings actually lived like a wolf pack.

Peter, curiously, arrived along with Dumbledore. While everyone else seemed to get constantly thinner with all the stress, Peter seemed to only get more chubby. Perhaps it was his mother, I thought, who had always liked to feed her boy 'properly'.  
Dumbledore's face, though, chased every bit of a good mood away. His expression was more grave than ever. Sirius and I exchanged a wary look before I moved to greet our old headmaster.

"Good evening, Sir," I said. "Can we get started yet? Can I offer you a cup of tea-?"

"No, thank you," he interrupted before I could go on rambling. "We're still waiting for the Longbottoms and two of their friends."

I blinked in surprise while he swept past me to talk to Remus. The Longbottoms? Of course I knew both Alice and Frank, and I knew that they, too, were just expecting their first child. But somehow, they did not fit into the group that had assembled already. We had never exactly been friends with them, more acquaintances than anything.

They took another half hour to arrive, half an hour in which I grew more nervous by the second. Luckily, the four people we were waiting for all arrived together and Dumbledore quickly called to us to gather around a table.

"So," Sirius said. "You look as if you bring bad news."

"Not bad news," Dumbledore corrected. "Horrible news."

"Very encouraging, Sir," Frank said, as his wife clutched at his arm.

Dumbledore, who was usually all about small smiles and twinkling smiles, did not even show the slightest hint of amusement when he started to explain. "The other day," he said. "I had a woman invited for a job interview. I'm searching for a new Divination teacher, see? She insist that she is a Seer. Needless to say, I was sceptical. However, she has me quite convinced. In the middle of our conversation, she broke into a prophecy. It concerns all of you, but especially the unborn members of this group."

Lily shrieked and Alice's hand flew directly to her belly. Frank had paled visibly with Dumbledore's words but James' face showed only determination.

"If anyone thinks they can hurt _my child_ ," he started angrily.

"I believe you have the best of intentions, James," Dumbledore said. "But I am afraid it is not that easy. The prophecy says that a child will be born around the end of July that will defeat the Dark Lord."

This declaration was followed by a good minute of stunned silence before I, as the first of the group, found my voice again. "But that is ridiculous. There are tons of children who will be born in July! Why would it be-"

"There are other criteria," he said gently. "I have every reason to be sure it will be either James' and Lily's or Frank's and Alice's child."

Lily was crying softly by now and Alice looked about ready to follow her example. To be honest, I felt like I would cry as well. This could not be happening. I refused to believe that this was happening.

"But," Remus said suddenly. "Does he even know? You-Know-Whow?"

"I am afraid he does," Dumbledore said gravely. "The prophecy was overheard."

"Who?" Sirius demanded. His hands were clenched so tightly into fists that his wrists were turning white. "Who heard it?"

For the first time, Professor Dumbledore looked like he did not want to answer us. But everyone was leaning forward expectantly and he relented quickly. "Severus Snape."

James and Sirius groaned in frustration while Lily paled even further. I, for my part, almost hissed in annoyance. For the first time in forever, I wished we had just let Remus maul him all those years ago. Because of him, James and Lily were in even more danger than they had been in before. Because of him, the Dark Lord was going to start hunting their unborn baby. If anything, I thought a baby deserved to enter the world without any mortal enemies already made.

"So," Peter said, looking around the table nervously. "What are we going to do?"

"Right," one of the Longbottom's friends, a dark-haired man with an amazing moustache said. "How are we going to stop him?"

"Well," Dumbledore said. "That might give us some trouble. First, I think we need to make sure that the four of you can hide properly."

"Hide?" James exclaimed, his eyes blazing with indignation. "He's coming after my family and I'm just supposed to sit back and hide?"

Sirius nodded along with him - of course he did - but I did not agree. I understood that James wanted to fight, but it was much more important that he remained alive, if he did not want his child to grow up without a father. Dumbledore told him so much, as well, but James still did not seem convinced.

"How are we to hide away?" he demanded. "There's nowhere we would be safe."

"We could cast a Fidelius Charm after we found safe places for all of you," Dumbledore reminded him. "I have invited your friends as well because I assume you are going to choose one of them as Secret Keeper."

Sirius and James exchanged a grim look, that pulled a sad smile from my face. There was no question who would be the Secret Keeper and honestly, I would trust no one more than Sirius with this task. I knew he had his flaws, but I also knew he would rather die than betray his friends.  
In that moment, I thought that I, too, would rather die than let anything happen to James and Lily.  
"Don't worry," I said for the second time that day, though this time it was fuelled by more anger and more determination than before. "You two stay safe and we won't rest until we take him down."

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	10. July 31, 1980

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, and most of all to Ash-Caro-Lynn and BelieverofManyThings for reviewing. I hope y'all enjoy the new chapter :)**

* * *

 **July 31, 1980**

* * *

Things moved incredibly fast in the next few months, despite everyone being even more paranoid than before. Sirius and James spend their time training their combat skills. James had sworn, on more than one occasion, that he would kill the Dark Lord should he came after them, and that he would make it hurt as much as he could.  
Truth was, if the Dark Lord ever caught them, neither James nor Lily would walk away from it and everyone knew it. They were both very capable, skilled and clever, but they were no match for You-Know-Who. I doubted anyone but Dumbledore was.

Lily did not make any claims of fighting. Instead, she and her every-growing belly dragged me along to house-tour after house-tour until she finally found something she liked.  
Personally, I thought the small cottage in Godric's Hollow to be a little mundane, but then again - who was I to talk, considering the apartment Sirius and I lived in?

I came home that night, completely exhausted. After Lily had decided that she generally liked the place, she had to inspect every corner of the house. She had appeared to be very energetic about it, which was surprising. After all, she was carrying a child and consequently running to the loo every five minutes. That had to be exhausting.  
I shed my coat in the hallway and then proceeded to kitchen to find that Sirius had ordered take-out. A breath of relief escaped me at the sight - there was no strength left in me to prepare dinner.

Still, Sirius taking care of food could only mean one thing. "You wanted to talk to me?" I guessed when he strolled into the kitchen to greet me.

He frowned a little. "Right," he muttered. "It's about the Fidelius Charm."

That had been the second matter of constant debate between James and Sirius. Namely, what Sirius and I would do once he was Secret Keeper. While James trusted his friend explicitly, it was terribly obvious that he would be chosen. When the Dark Lord found out how Lily and James were hiding, he would be headed right to our doorstep.

"So?" I said. "Have you finally decided on a hiding place? Because Lily has, and it cost me all my strength-"

"I'm not going to be Secret Keeper."

I froze, the fork full of Chinese noodles hovering awkwardly between the plate and my mouth. My first thought was that my ears had deceived me, but the look on Sirius' face suggested that I had, in fact, heard right. "What?" I asked finally.

"We've been over this so many times - it's dangerous choosing me. Everyone will suspect it's me and that'll just put me in danger, and you and Prongs' family and-" He interrupted himself and shook his head. "It's just taking an unnecessary risk."

He was right in one way - we had been over this many times. But I had always said that I did not mind the danger this was putting me in. I had always known what I was signing up for, being with Sirius Black. It was like a freaking suicide mission.  
More than anything, I wanted to take that risk - for Lily, James and their child. Their secret was safe with Sirius, and by extension with me. And if the Dark Lord found us, I would die with my lips sealed shut.

"Who else would take the job?" I asked. "Remus?"

"No," Sirius said, a little to quickly for my liking. My eyes narrowed and he relented at once. "He's got enough on his plate. We think it's best to ask Wormtail."

Now it was official. Sirius had gone absolutely mad. "Peter?" I echoed. "That's insane!"

"Why?" Sirius countered hotly. "It's perfect, no one will suspect him!"

I scoffed. "Do you honestly trust him to keep this secret? All it takes is a good scare, and-"

Sirius looked about ready to punch me in the face. He did not, of course not, but he did seem very close to lashing out. "You don't trust him? Our friend?" he accused angrily.

"I'm just saying he has his weaknesses," I shot back. "I love all our friends, but none of them is without flaws. And Peter..."

"No, I get it," he said loudly, almost shouting. "Why don't you just go ahead and say he's a Death Eater since that's what you're thinking-"

"Don't be ridiculous," I snapped, finally annoyed. It was one thing arguing, but accusing me of such things was a step too far. I did not mistrust Peter per say. I just thought he was more likely to snap under pressure that the others. "As if Peter ever could be a Death Eater."

"Are you calling him incapable?" Sirius said.

"I'm calling him a good guy," I retorted. "Merlin, what's gotten into you?"

We glared at each other. I should not be surprised, I figured. Considering the situation we were in, things were more than likely to blow up once in a while. Besides, Sirius and I had always been prone to arguments.  
Still, he made me incredibly angry. The fury was boiling inside me at what he had just thrown at me. As if our friends meant nothing to me, as if I did not care. He was the one being unreasonable here. Peter being Secret Keeper was absolutely ridiculous, dangerous, mad. It was not my fault that Sirius failed to see this.

We were interrupted by the sudden arrival of the light shape of James' patronus. "Help!" it spoke and for a moment, I feared the worst. It was not the worst, though I did understand the panic in James' voice at the form's next words. "The baby's coming!"

All fights and harsh words were instantly forgotten as we rushed to the hospital.  
I had been joking all day about the fact that Lily was so heavily pregnant she had to be about to pop, but the suddenness of the news still took me by surprise. Should these things not be more foreseeable? I shuddered slightly at the realization that I knew nothing at all about pregnancies. I felt awfully unprepared for life.

When we arrived at 's, James was pacing up and down the hallway, his face wearing the most insulted look I had ever seen on him. "She kicked me out," he said in a voice that was slightly more high-pitched than usual. "Can you believe it? She said I was making her nervous!"

He raked a hand through his hair and Sirius blinked at his friend as if he could not quite comprehend what was happening. "You're making _me_ nervous, mate," Sirius said. "Calm down."

"She just suddenly started screaming, how am I supposed to stay calm?" James erupted.

"Did the nurses seem worried?" I asked gently and he turned to me, breathing heavily.

"No," he said.

I tried to keep my smile at bay, but I supposed that it broke through anyway, because James looked suddenly insulted again. "That's because it's normal," I said very pointedly to tell him the cause of my amusement. "James, relax."

The longer it took, the less likely it seemed that James would ever relax and it took hours. I was the one who talked to the healers in the late hours of the night, because James was too cowardly and Sirius wanted nothing to do with the matter. They assured me that things were going fine, albeit slowly.  
I knew next to nothing about childbirth, apart from the fact that it was unpleasant. I also did not have any idea how long these things usually took - but I kept up the untroubled facade for James' sake. And really, women had born children for thousands of years and I had no doubt Lily was in the best of hands. Things were probably as fine as the healers said.

The sun was already rising when the first cry of the baby could be heard. James ran faster than I had ever seen him at that.  
It took half an hour longer until James reemerged again, a little bundle of blankets and baby in his arms. I approached carefully to catch a first look at the child.  
"Meet Harry," James said. "My son!"

The boy's head was covered with a soft down of dark hair. His eyes, blinking tiredly, were of a brilliant green, though. There was no doubt that he had inherited those from his mother.

"He's so beautiful, James!" I said, before reaching out and gently stroking over the baby's cheek. Harry cooed gently and his eyes fluttered close again.

"Isn't he?" James agreed and held the boy out slightly so Sirius could inspect the child. "He looks just like Lily, isn't he lucky?"

Sirius laughed at that. "But the hair's definitely you," he teased. "Let's just hope it'll be a little easier to control."

James laughed as well as he gathered his son closer again. Sirius wrapped his arms around me and I smiled up at him as we watched James. Things were tense and dangerous outside our little bubble and this child was already in terrible danger - but in that moment, all of that did not matter. All that mattered was the happiness of James' face and the hope it made me feel.  
Sirius grip on me tightened affectionately while James continued to mutter to his son, over and over again. "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you..."

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	11. August 11, 1980

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to BelieverofManyThing and Ash-Caro-Lynn for reviewing!**

* * *

 **August 11, 1980**

* * *

"Is it just me," Sirius said, looking around the cottage in Godric's Hollow. "Or is this more than one step down from the Manor?"

I rolled my eyes at him and shoved the box I was holding into his arms. Merlin knew, he would only be slagging if I did not make him work. "I think it's nice," I told him pointedly.

"But you know what I mean, right?" Sirius insisted as he moved across the room and put the box down next to a whole staple of cartons.

I knew what he meant, obviously. Much like him, and much like James, I had grown up in a manor, surrounded by grandeur and luxury. But I could understand very well why Lily and James wanted to tone it down a bit. All that splendour could be suffocating, not to mention that it spoke of a rather unpleasant sort of inhabitant. The Potters were probably the only people I knew who had owned an estate and were still nice.

I skipped back down the stairs and found that James had already brought in the next set of cardboards. Lily had labelled them very carefully and I picked up one that read 'nursery'. Sirius had followed and grimaced as he picked one up as well.  
"Why, again, can't we just use magic?" he demanded.

"Because I want you to be tired tonight," I retorted. "You're being awfully giddy lately."

Sirius waggled his eyebrows at me. "I know other ways to tire me out."

Lily's shriek echoed through the house, though I would never know how she could have heard him. "There's a baby in the house, Sirius!"

Sirius and I both laughed while James called back that the baby was, in fact, sleeping. We left the two to their bickering and Sirius bounded up the stairs again, clutching the box.

Remus had to duck out of the way as they met on the stairs. It was yet another rare occasion on which he was able to be here. He admitted that his absence to be might be suspicious, but there was probably only this one time that he would get to see the house. Or Harry, for that matter.  
As soon as we were done moving in, the Fidelius Charm would be cast. Peter was still supposed to be Secret Keeper, though I was not the only one with doubts. Dumbledore had even offered to be Secret Keeper, himself, but James and Lily were not deterred.  
James, I suspected, would rather be caught dead than mistrust his friends. While that was admirable, I was afraid it would one day work against him.

"You two are in a good mood," Remus noted, taking a box that said 'bathroom'. "It suits you."

"I just figure we should enjoy it while it lasts," I told him. "It's summer, we are all alive and well - Harry is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen... life seems rather good."

"Hush," Remus said with a wry smile. "Don't say that, you'll spoil it."

I chuckled and we both climbed the stairs together.  
In the nursery, I found that Sirius had opened a box and pulled out several pieces of what was supposed to be the crib. He looked rather helpless in front of the pieces, holding two pieces of wood together as if hoping that they would lace together through just his will.

"Please," he said. "Tell me I can do this with magic."

I inspected the pieces carefully before answering him. "Are you sure you can do it _with_ magic?" I asked.

"Yes," Sirius said at once. "No. Maybe." I raised an eyebrow at him and he sagged slightly. "Fine!" he exclaimed. "Probably not."

My giggle made him jump to his feet in indignation and announce that he would go and find Lily to help me. Sirius was not actually angry, though, if the swift kiss he gave me was any indication. I watched him go, silently hoping that he would not be too tired out tonight.

Lily joined me when I had already half learned the instructions by heart. She proved to be a good worker, even though she insisted on checking every step of the instruction, herself.  
Lily had always been pretty, but being a mother made her absolutely radiant. It was almost something to be jealous of. She was glowing with happiness and when I asked her if the baby was really sleeping, she talked fifteen minutes about how peaceful the boy looked while he slept.

"Oh," she said happily when we finally finished with crib. "He'll sleep even better in this."

"I'm sure," I answered.

She smiled sheepishly. "I must sound so silly," she said. "But... I just love him so much! Maybe you can only understand if you have a child of your own."

"Right," I said. "I suppose that won't happen any time soon."

And it was good that way, I added in my mind. Who knew which dark wizard would come after my child if I ever got one? As of now, I would rather not risk putting a child into this world.  
Lily opened her mouth to respond, but she never got around to. James called from beneath that moment, inviting us to join them for tea. Lily was bristling at once, complaining that we were working, while the boys were drinking tea, but she seemed rather happy to accept her cup once we arrived.

Peter sat on the kitchen brink, looking around the room and seemingly relaxed for once. Sirius was leaning next to him, sipping at his tea. James, as always, was holding his son. It seemed he was hardly capable of letting him go.

"Where'd Remus go?" Lily asked as she passed her husband for a mug of her own.

"He had to run," James said. "Quite literally. Apparently, he has pack duties to attend to."

Sirius pulled a face that hinted at how displeased he was with the situation, but instead of commention on it, he instead asked, "When are we putting the bubble over you?"

James' face, funnily enough, twisted in the exact same way at that thought. But he kept his eyes firmly fixed on his son and Lily as she sighed over her cup.  
"Tomorrow," she said determinedly. "We can't waste any time."

"She's right," James said. "Though I still don't like hiding away." He looked to Peter and attempted a smile. "Thanks for doing this, mate. It means a lot."

Peter turned suddenly crimson, it looked like his face was slowly filling up with blood. "N-no p-problem," he stuttered out and Sirius nudged him gently in the ribs.

"Yeah, it is," Lily insisted, causing Peter to turn an even deeper shade of red. "And we know the sacrifice you're making. Thank you, Wormy."

Peter's mouth was moving, but he remained silent as if the words had gotten stuck in his throat. Lily emitted a sound of compassion and rushed over to hug him. James rolled his eyes at it, but it was weirdly good-natured. Sirius laughed slightly, obviously having seen James' expression and the two friends grinned at each other for a moment.

"Right!" Lily exclaimed suddenly as she drew back and took in the same scene as I. "We have another announcement - James?"

James nodded. "Er... well, we've been thinking... Harry still needs a godfather." He looked up sharply. "Sirius."

Sirius looked honestly surprised, though I could not imagine why. After all, he and James were best friends and had been so for as long as anyone could remember. "Me," Sirius said. "Are you - really?"

James laughed sheepishly. "'Course," he said.

"Look," Lily said and she sounded much more serious about it. "If anything ever happens to us - and let's face it, it could-"

"Lily," I protested at once, but her hand shot up to silence me before I could say another word.

"It could happen any time and in that case, someone needs to take care of Harry," she continued.

Sirius looked from her to James to me and then back towards Lily as if he could not quite believe what he was hearing. "And you really want me to-?"

"Well, you and Selene," James said at once. "Merlin knows I wouldn't trust you with a child alone."

It was so obviously a joke that everyone started laughing despite the uncomfortable tension that had filled the kitchen before. Even Sirius looked very relieved as he smiled at me. My mind was spinning with horror vision, though, visions of Lily and James both dead and Sirius and I having to bring the boy through this when we could barely handle our own lives...

But Sirius seemed suddenly unperturbed and he wrapped his arms around me to pull me close to him. "Well," he told James with a wide grin. "I'd be honoured."

James and Lily looked so happy and relieved that I did not dare say even the smallest thing against afterwards.

* * *

 **So, this was a bit of a light-hearted chapter. Merlin knows they needed it ;) More drama coming soo, promise ;)! Until then, please leave a review :)  
**


	12. November 4, 1980

**Thanks to everyone who read, alerted and most of all to Ash-Caro-Lynn and BelieverofManyThings for reviewing!  
I hope y'all enjoy the new chapter :)**

* * *

 **November 4, 1980**

* * *

Once again, time seemed to move faster than usual in the next months. After the Fidelius Charm had been cast, I could not even remember where Lily and James lived, but she wrote to me regularly, enclosing pictures of the baby. Harry was growing steadily and in every single picture, he looked content and happy.  
He was easily the most beautiful things I had ever seen and he just as easily reminded me what we were fighting for.

The Order was still patrolling locations of the magical community every night, but the Ministry made it increasingly difficult. I had gotten arrested seven times in September alone and Rufus Scrimgeour reminded me every time that he still suspected I was a spy for the Death Eaters.  
After the third time or so, it had gone from annoying to funny. By now, it had entirely lost its charm.

Sirius was much more enraged by it than I was. He thought it absolutely ludicrous that anyone would accuse me of such a thing. He complained about it quite often and to anyone who stood close enough to hear him.  
Mad-Eye Moody had to finally set him straight and remind him that half the Ministry was already infiltrated and they were just making up excuses to keep a close eye on us. Not that it made matters much better, but Sirius still seemed placated by it. Perhaps, this way, it just made a lot more sense.

Around the beginning of November, Sirius and I had a rare shift together, but the streets of Diagon Alley were almost empty and entirely peaceful and we spent most of the night sitting in the Leaky Cauldron, watching the patrons.  
We were soon joined by Marlene and Peter, who had had to take care of Knockturn Alley. They were both freezing when they entered, but reported that their shift had been equally uneventful. Things had been going so smoothly that it was almost suspicious, Marlene said. Usually, Knockturn Alley was a place that attracted trouble like no other.

"Don't meet trouble halfway," Sirius warned jokingly.

Marlene shrugged slightly. "Trouble usually finds me just fine."

Peter smiled at her, but it was a little strained. "Don't worry," he said. "I'm sure nothing bad will happen."

She smiled back at him, her expression somewhere between confusion and pleasant surprise. Sirius chuckled under his breath and I nudged him lightly to keep him from making any inappropriate comment.

"So?" Peter said. "Have you heard from Lily and James?"

"Yeah," Sirius said at once. "They're doing fine. Thanks to you, of course."

Peter shifted uncomfortably. "It's no big deal," he assured us. "You'd have done the same, it's really-"

Sirius shrugged, dismissing his friend's rambling and Peter fell silent at once. I offered him a reassuring smile. Sometimes, I thought Sirius and James should pay more attention to their friends and especially Peter. He did not share in their excellency where magic capabilities were concerned, but he was a good friend and he did not deserve to be looked down on.

Marlene seemed much more certain when she smiled at him this time. "You're a good friend, Pete," she said warmly. "What you're doing is really admirable."

Peter spluttered as he tried to come up with a response and this time, it was me that chuckled. I could not help it, it was just too adorable watching him like this.

"You know," Sirius said. "Maybe we should go home."

"Our shifts running two more hours," I reminded him and he groaned.

"No one's out there," he insisted. "Everything's fine and I really don't want to get arrested tonight. Can we please just go home?"

I looked back to Peter and Marlene. Both of them seemed rather enthralled by the idea of going home, as well. To be honest, I longed for the warmth and comfort of my bed, myself, so I gave in and nodded at Sirius.  
"All right," I said. "Let's go home."

Sirius paid while we pulled on our cloaks. Outside, it was freezing. It was already winter, even though the summer seemed to have been gone for barely a week. Marlene shivered and pulled the robe closer around her while Peter rubbed his hands together for some warmth.  
Personally, my mind wandered to the warm fires crackling in the common rooms of Hogwarts. A part of me wished that this was where we would return to.

The first bit of street exploded right next to me. I screamed, stumbling back and would have fallen had Sirius not caught me. I had barely regained my footing when the next bit blew up a few feet away from us. This time, it was Marlene that screamed as she and Peter huddled closer to us.  
We all turned back and forth, trying to find out who was attacking us and from where. The next spell whizzed right through our group and I jumped aside in panic. It cut across my cheek, opening the skin painfully.

Sirius shot a spell in the vague direction where the attack had come from, but as far as we could tell, he did not hit anything or anyone. My fingers gingerly touched the wound and came away awfully bloody. I stared incredulously at the red on my hands, wondering what would have happened had the curse hit me directly.

"Hey!" Marlene yelled. I had never heard her so fierce or so furious. "At least show your faces and fight us!"

I hissed dangerously. The tell-tale cracking of apparating sounded around us at once and we were faced with a full circle of Death Eaters around us. Stupid, reckless Gryffindors and their stupid, reckless actions.

"Uh," Sirius breathed. "That doesn't look so good."

"Let's get out of here," I whispered back. "Let's just apparate out of here."

But I also knew that he would not run away. Gryffindors, in all their damned recklessness, did not run away. Not to mention I did not know how well Marlene apparated. Merlin, I did not even know how well Peter apparated, and under stress to add.  
Determination had settled on Sirius' features as he assessed the situation. We were four, they were about ten. We were hilariously outnumbered.

"Well?" one of the Death Eaters taunted. "Not so brave now, are you?"

I froze slightly as I recognized the voice. I had not heard it in a very long time, but it did not bring forth any happy memories, quite the contrary.  
"Rabastan!" I called. "This isn't the least bit funny!"

A more high-pitched voice giggled at that. It was not hard to recognize that one, either. Bellatrix. "Look at her," she cackled. "Little girl trying to be brave."

" _Stupefy!_ "  
Sirius' spell flew in her direction, but she blocked it easily. Still, it had been enough to set them off. I blocked a curse coming at me and shot back a Stunning Spell of my own.

It was bad. Spells and curses flew in every direction, bits of streets and walls exploding around us. Marlene was a great fighter, better than I had ever imagined. She whirled around and about, countering the Death Eater's curses as if it was nothing. One of her spells hit a Death Eater square in the chest and he toppled to the ground, causing a cry of outrage from the two next to him.

" _Impedimenta!_ " I yelled, throwing one of them backwards before he could react.

During that, his companion had aimed his curse at me and only missed his mark, because Sirius' protection spell folded over me just in time.  
I did not have the chance to thank him, because he turned around at once, shooting a spell in the opposite direction while Marlene took out my attacker. I turned in my spot, hoping to get a clearer view of the situation but it was impossible.

"You're pathetic."

I whirled around again, coming face to face with Rabastan, my fingers tightening around my wand. "Look who's talking," I shot back. "Came to finally man up?"

"Oh, girl, this time Regulus won't be here to safe you," he taunted. "He died, just as pathetically as you will."

I had every reason to be angry at Rabastan, for the way he had treated me, for what he had tried to do to me. But none of that made me as angry as the suggestion that Reg had died a weakling.  
"He was killed by the Dark Lord," I spat, even though it was a bit of a stretch from the truth. "An honour _you_ could never dream to achieve."

His wand, pointing at my face, was shaking with his fury. I was waiting for his move, every muscle in my body tensing, somewhere between fright and pure bloodlust. It was especially bad because I could not see his face properly, hidden away behind his mask.  
Rabastan hissed slightly and then turned sharply, the curse he uttered going instead from at me directly at Peter. I shrieked in horror and for a moment, my brain lost its ability to think clearly. All that mattered was that Peter was going to get terribly hurt or die and it was all my fault.

I turned on my heel and apparated, appearing again next to Peter just in time to push him away. He stumbled, yelling in confusion and I did as well.  
Rabastan's spell hit my side violently, the pain erupting there and spreading through my whole body. It took only a few seconds in which I tumbled to the floor until the pain was all that I knew. The darkness came right after that.


	13. November 6, 1980

**Thanks to everyone who read, alerted and most of all to BelieverofManyThings, Ash-Caro-Lynn, and "guest" for reviewing! It's appreciated as always :)**

* * *

 **November 6, 1980**

* * *

The first thing that came back to me was sound. It was only the faint whispering of voices and I could not make out any words, but they were there.  
My heart rate sped up at once in panic. The last thing I knew was getting hit by Rabastan's spell and I had already blacked out once and woken up in Death Eater captivity.  
Eyes, I thought, I had to open my eyes. They were terribly heavy, though, an it felt like I had to use all my strength to get myself to blink. The light around me was blinding and my eyes clenched shut again at once, unable to handle it.

Eyes did not work, I decided, so I had to take care of other things first. Like my fingers. They all worked, I decided, testing one after the other. Feet next. I was able to turn my toes, the muscles in my legs seemed to be stretching just fine. I could probably run if I wanted. Of course, that would be no good without seeing anything.

"I think I just saw her fingers twitch!"

The voice was familiar and not in a bad way. Quite the contrary, it sounded weirdly like Lily. But that could not be right. Wherever I was, Lily could not possibly be there. She had to be away, in hiding with her family, where she belonged.

"Don't play with me," a gruff voice answered.

"I'm not playing, Sirius, I really saw it!"

My heart jumped again at the possibility of Sirius really being here, but my mind still could not figure out what was going on. Where was I? What had happened?  
I blinked once more, blinded again by the light around me. This time, though, I forced myself to do it over and over until I could keep eyes open for a little bit longer. I had to _see,_ I had to confirm that the voices actually belonged to the people I thought them to be.

"You're right," Sirius' voice suddenly said. "Her eyes are opening."

He was here. No matter what else was going on, he was here and he was watching over me and he knew that I heard him. His hand grabbed mine and I made use of the fact that my fingers worked and tightened my grip on him at once. His breath caught slightly and he gently pushed a bit of hair out of my face.  
"I'm here, love," he whispered. "You're all right. You're going to be perfectly all right. We're at the hospital and you're fine..."

Everything made sense after that. We were at the hospital. I was fine or at least I was going to be. Sirius was here. Lily was probably also here. I blinked yet again and for the first time, his face swam into view for a short moment.

"That's right, sweetheart, please open your eyes for me," he urged. I tried, I really did, but most of all, I must have somehow got out his name because he grabbed my hand even tighter. "You're right, I'm here," he assured me. "Open your eyes."

Finally, I did. It hurt, because the light was still blazing and for a few seconds everything whizzed in and out of focus until finally, I could focus on his face once more. The bags under his eyes were very prominent, he looked like he had not slept in a long while. Adding to that were various cuts and bruises on his skin, which made him look like he had gone through hell and back. But he was smiling.

"Hey," he breathed.

"Hey," I managed to retort, wondering at the raspiness of my voice. How long, exactly had I been out?

"See," Lily stepped into my line of sight, resting her hand on Sirius' shoulder. "I told you she'd be fine."

He looked at her, his smile falling into a frown almost at once. as if he was not pleased with her presence. "It's been two days," he shot back at her.

"One and a half," she retorted before she smiled at me. "How are you feeling?"

I was not even sure if I could speak properly before I said it, but I responded wholeheartedly, "Confused."

Lily laughed at that and even Sirius, who was sporting a very worried expression, cracked a smile at that. I did not feel like laughing a any of this. Now that I thought about it more thoroughly, my head was throbbing and my chest was hurting. Might also have been my back, the pain seeped through my whole body.

"I'm going to see if I can find a healer," Lily announced, patting Sirius' shoulder yet again. "You explain."

The closing of the door was strangely loud in my years and I flinched a little bit. Sirius' eyes narrowed in worry as he saw my reaction and he reached out to caress my cheek carefully.

"I thought I lost you there," he whispered.

I swallowed hard, trying to ease the dryness of my throat so I could answer him. It was hardly helpful, but I forced the words out, anyway. "What happened?" I asked.

His jaw clenched at that. "You collapsed... Peter stunned the guy who did it. I don't know, it was such a mess, Marlene grabbed you and we just apparated out of there. Wormtail also got it pretty bad, but not... well, he's been up the whole time."

My throat was protesting harshly, but I ignored it. "How long-?"

"Two days," he said, rolling his eyes. "Lily says it's less, but I don't care, it felt like eternity. You just wouldn't wake up. The healers closed all the wounds, but they did not know how to wake you up. They say it's probably a spell the Dark Lord invented himself and he taught it to his minions... I wish I had gotten the guy who did it..."

I could not help but think he was not the only one. I wished I had gotten to hurt Rabastan. Reg had certainly wished to kill Rabastan, I still remembered how furious he had been that night. It was pretty sad that none of us had had the chance to actually do it.  
I leant into his hand still trailing over my cheek carefully and he sighed a little. "Lily's making fun now, but she was terribly worried," he told me, but he did not look me in the eyes as he said it. "She and James have been taking shifts here."

"They shouldn't," I answered and it came out more smoothly than had anticipated. Perhaps it was because I felt so very strongly about it. "It's dangerous... Harry..."

He nodded at once as if he had had that same conversation with them already. It was entirely possible, too, seeing as Sirius was worried about them and the two were stubborn.

"What about... Peter?" I whispered. Peter had been in terrible danger and Sirius had just said that he had been hurt. Panic suddenly welled up in me again. I wondered if they had found out that he was the Secret Keeper, if they had attacked us because of that. If that was true, the situation was very dire.

"He's fine, they patched him up at once," Sirius said, but that was hardly what I had wanted to know.

"But-"

"He's going into hiding," he answered swiftly. "And we are as well. We don't know who they were after and we all have to take precautions."

I stared, but his words did not get fully processed. The reasonable part of my brain was still a little too hazy to process anything that had such great stakes.  
Sirius' fingers trailed from my cheek down my neck and back up, carefully inspecting the skin as if he was expecting to see some horrible injury. Perhaps he was - I had no idea of the state I had been in when I had been brought here.

I attempted to smile at him and he smiled back nervously before he turned and looked over his shoulder at the door, which was still firmly shut. Lily was taking rather long and I wondered what time of day it was, anyway. The light was on and bright, but it could as well have been the dead of night. I was too tired to count properly.

"Actually," Sirius said. "There's something else."

"What?" I croaked out and I actually felt my eyes widen in fright.

He laughed. "Nothing like that," he said. "Nothing bad. But, look, yesterday I realized - if you had died, I would have never even gotten close to marrying the love of my life and-"

Once again, my heartbeat sped up violently, my mind spinning as I tried to wrap it around what was happening. He could not really be talking about what I thought he was talking about. I knew for a fact that he could not mean it. We were not like that. He and I were not like this.

"It really freaked me out," he said and smile was a little bit embarrassed. "So... I was thinking..."

"You don't mean that," I breathed.

His eyebrows drew together in worry and then his face suddenly split into a charming grin. "Of course I mean it," he said. "Selene, I'd like you to be my wife."


	14. November 7, 1980

**Thanks to everyone who read, alerted and most of all to Ash-Caro-Lynn, BelieverofManyThings and "guest" (honey, calm down^^ did I give any indication that this story was over?) for reviewing.**

 **Also, I'm earlier than usual and the next update will be late - I'll be working at a kid's summer camp for the next ten days with neither the time nor the internet access to update, so bear with me ;)**

 **Anyway, I hope you all enjoy :)**

* * *

 **November 7, 1980**

* * *

I was still staring, in a mixture between utter shock and absolute delight and he raked a hand nervously through his hair. "That is," he said. "If you'll have me."

It seemed so surreal that he would propose that I maybe might have taken too long to respond, because his face fell and he scooted back a little. "No pressure or anything," he muttered quickly as if to backtrack.

"No! I mean - yes, I... I would love to, I'm just... surprised," I finished lamely. I was being utterly unromantic, I realized and I at once tried to smile at him. It took a bit of an effort, because my muscles did not want to cooperate properly. His eyes widened slightly as he realized I was saying yes. Perhaps this was a bit unreal for him as well.

"I don't, look, I don't have a ring yet, but I am going to get one for you - this has been a bit spontaneous and I... Merlin, do you really mean it?"

I laughed at his rambling and immediately regretted it. The pain of it shot through all my body and I sagged back against the pillows with a groan of discomfort.

"I could have chosen a better time, too," Sirius remarked with a slightly worried grin. "We're going to do that again."

"Absolutely," I whispered. "You can be better prepared and I can be less perplexed. It's going to be great."

He laughed in my place and then bent down to press a soft kiss to my lips. "I love you," he told me.

I made a great effort to smile at him again. "I love you, too."

Lily returned with the healer after that. They did the full checkup, asking me over and over again how I felt, where it hurt, if I could remember who I was (I could), but I did not understand much of it. I was too exhausted, emotionally and physically to pay them much attention.  
Sirius refused to leave my side until I forcefully told him to go home and get some sleep. He had not done that ever since he had brought me to the hospital and it was showing on his face and in every of his movements. Lily finally dragged him out of the room at my request.

It was awfully quiet afterwards, but I felt that after he had taken care of me, it was my duty to make sure that he was all right as well since he did not look after himself on his own.  
This was how it was going to be for as long as we lived, I realized. I had just said yes. I had agreed to marry him and now, we would forever have to care for each other. We would forever get to care about each other.  
A few years back, the prospect of such eternity had been scary and everything but welcome. Right now, despite being injured and refined to a hospital bed, I felt like I could not be happier. I felt like no other person on earth could possibly so happy.

I slept restlessly that night. Part of it was the pain and another part were the memories slowly returning to me. The Death Eaters surrounding us, the street exploding around us, the threat of imminent death... it made me wake up several times, breathing heavily until I calmed enough to slip back into unconsciousness.

I awoke again in the middle of the night, but this time, I had the distinct feeling that something was wrong. My skin prickled with the sense that someone was watching me who was not supposed to do so.  
The soft rustling of clothes told me that I was, in fact, right, and I panicked at once. Stupid, stubborn me, who had to send Sirius away while danger was lurking in every corner. I was obviously hanging out too much with Gryffindors, their recklessness and dumb ideas seemed to rub off on me.

A light flickered on, which I thought was a strange thing to do for an attacker. Personally, I would rather remain hidden, just to minimize the evidence.  
But when the room was illuminated enough, I could finally recognize who was watching me and it was probably the last person I expected.

"Mother?"

"Oh, don't sound too delighted," she retorted, stepping closer to the bed.

I had not seen her in at least two years and she had never even attempted to contact me. Neither had I. Writing to me that I was no longer part of her family had been clear enough for me, thank you very much. I had always assumed with Evan being their golden boy, that she did not miss me much. If I thought about it, I had not missed her much. I had missed the notion of family and security more than any actual person.

"You always taught me not to sneak up on people," I said.

"I taught you a lot of things that you disregard," she said. Her words did hold some truth, but then again, she had taught me a lot of things that were reprehensible and I thought myself quite lucky being able to disregard them. I did not bother to tell her that. It was no fight I could win and I knew to pick my battles.

"What do you want?" I asked instead.

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Evan told me about your accident," she said. "I was worried you might be seriously hurt."

"Evan?" I scoffed. "He couldn't care less about me, in fact, he tried to kill me numerous times."

"Don't talk bad about your brother-"

"My brother's a bloody Death Eater!" I snapped back at her and she shut her mouth at once in surprise. "I don't have any kind words to say about him."

She looked down while I cared at her. She probably had thought this was going to go differently. I could not imagine why she would think so, but she clearly had.  
The greatest irony, of course, was that Evan had reported to her that I had gotten injured. I wondered if he had sounded happy and I wondered what she had answered. To give her at least that, she seemed a bit worried.

"Your brother's our pride and joy," my mother said tightly.

"You don't have much choice," I bit back. "Since you disinherited me."

Her eyes narrowed at me. "You brought this on yourself," she said.

I laughed, and my body jerked again with the pain. Maybe I should have remembered that I still was recovering from serious injuries before I decided to try and mock my mother with sarcastic laughter. "Ugh," I made. "This I didn't bring it on myself. This was Lestrange."

"You made such a cute couple," she said.

"He assaulted me," I shot back angrily. Rabastan Lestrange was the last person I wanted to be a cute couple with. In fact, I could not quite believe that she was suggesting such a thing after everything I had been through.

"You never had the best taste in men," she answered calmly. "Just look at Reg-"

"Reg was a good man!" I said at once. "By my standards, of course, and not by yours."

She huffed but did not reply to my implied accusation. Instead, she kept awfully quiet but sat down on a chair next to the bed. I did not quite know what to make of it. In all honesty, I had never thought to see her again and consequently had no idea what to say to her. There was nothing I wanted to say to her. In fact, after what we had just hauled at each other, I felt there was nothing left to be said.  
Sirius would have a fit when he found out she was here. Hopefully, she would be gone came morning. Hopefully, she would be gone much sooner than that.

"It is not too late, you know," she said finally.

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Too late for what?" I asked.

"To come back," she urged, leaning forward in her chair. "Selene, I am pleading with you, as your mother, be reasonable and come back-"

"Oh," I said. "It is definitely too late."

"Sweetie-"

Despite the pain it caused in my back, I squared my shoulders. This was getting absolutely ridiculous. She could not really think that I would return home.  
"Sirius and I are going to marry," I told her and she paled visibly. "We're happy. And even if I was doing bad, I wouldn't return."

"Why?" she breathed.

"Because walking away from you was the right thing to do and it was the best decision I ever made," I told her.

My mother seemed about ready to cry. I had never seen her like this, so close to losing her composure. She seemed genuinely sad. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost. Not nearly enough to make me reconsider, though to be honest, there was nothing she could say would make me reconsider.

"Fine," she said shakily before she got up at last. "If my daughter has to be a traitor, I shall be glad that at least she's happy."

"Right," I retorted. "Tell that to Evan, will you?"

It was meant as no more than a jab, but she smiled slightly at me in response. "I will," she said.  
She was gone with a distinct 'plop'. Her departure let the room sink into darkness again and it let me wonder if this had really happened or if I had just dreamed the whole thing.

* * *

 **Reviews would be really nice ;)**


	15. May 11, 1981

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to BelieverofManyThings, "Jen" and Ash-Caro-Lynn for reviewing!**

 **I am back from summer camp and I feel like I might just fall asleep on my feet - still, somehow updating made it onto my to-do-list for today, so I hope y'all enjoy :)**

* * *

 **May 11, 1981**

* * *

After I told Sirius of my mother's visit, he was even more determined to get me into hiding as quickly as possible. In fact, he seemed positively terrified when he heard of it. I could understand very well, mostly because it terrified me, as well.  
If my mother could sneak up to me, unnoticed, there was no telling who else could. And a lot of people who could would come with much more malicious intent.

We had to leave the flat behind. Sirius heart bled more than mine, I thought. After all, this had been his purchase, his great success, his proof of independence. But still, it hurt me as well - the flat had always been a bit of a safe haven, despite everything that had transpired in and around it. The last look I got was that of the very doorstep where Reg had appeared more than a year ago, on the last day of his life.

The Order set up a new place for us, a small one-storey house by the sea. At Sirius' insistence Lily became our Secret Keeper - he figured that if they were ever found out, it would not matter if our hiding place was laid open.  
I supposed he was right, though I honestly could not even process the idea of anything happening to James and Lily. It seemed so impossible that thinking about what would happen after appeared to be a little ridiculous. A world in which James and Lily did not exist... a world in which Sirius might not exist, it was impossible to imagine.

When we were packing, I had found the Horcrux again. It had given me a right fright when I first spotted it. Then, I thought to get rid of it as quickly as possible.  
It was a little, weird idea, maybe even a bit reckless, but once Sirius was gone to transport the first bit of luggage, I put my plan in action. My voice was timid at first and then louder as I called for Kreacher, but for a long while, nothing happened.  
It was silly, either way, I figured in that moment - why would he listen to me? Why would he come to me? - before there was a loud plop and the withering house-elf appeared right in front of me, bowing so deep that his nose was almost meeting the floor.

"Oh," I cried in relief. "Stand up! I'm so glad you came!"

He looked up at me then with an expression of utter mistrust. "Master Regulus commanded," he answered gruffly. "When Miss Rosier calls, Kreacher answers..."

"Right," I said. The idea had only appeared in my mind because I knew that Reg had appreciated Kreacher's services and that he had trusted the elf. I had to get rid of the locket - if I turned it over to the Order now, or worse, if they discovered it with me, I would surely be called a traitor before I could say 'Horcrux'. It had to go, but I could not let it fall into the wrong hands. For Reg, I was sure, Kreacher would keep any secret.

"I'm going to give something to you," I told him. "A locket. It... Reg took it from the Dark Lord. The Dark Lord must never know you have it."

Kreacher stared at me. "What is Kreacher to do with it?"

"Destroy it, if you can and otherwise keep it safe," I told him and for good measure, added, "Reg trusted you with this."

I held the locket out to him and Kreacher took it with shaking hands. His big eyes had watered with tears and it took his next words for me to understand what moved him so. "Master Regulus trusted Kreacher," he muttered. "Master Regulus was always good to Kreacher... was a good master, he was."

I swallowed hard, mostly because I had lied about this being Reg's idea. We had never made a proper plan about what to do with the Horcrux once it was retrieved, but he had certainly never thought of giving it to his house-elf.  
Still, as I looked at Kreacher, I believed him to be trustworthy. He had loved Reg with unequalled reverence and he still felt that way about his late master. At the very least, he would keep the locket safe.

"Will you do as I asked you to?" I inquired, just to be safe. "You'll keep it?"

"As Master Regulus wished," Kreacher answered and bowed deep again. He had slung the locket around his neck and it dangled next to his nose. "Kreacher will not disappoint him."

"I am sure," I said. "You may go."

He disappeared at once and I stood frozen on the spot for a long moment, contemplating if I had done the right thing.  
But there was no going back, anyway, and I did not have much time to fret about it afterwards.

The small house they had picked out for us needed decorating, after all and I spent most of December makint it homely. We celebrated Christmas on our own and I had wanted it to at least feel comfortable. I thought to have done an alright job with it, but it was still a miserable occasion.

The months before that rushed by and it had very much felt like we never got a bit of rest. Now, though, time seemed to drag by and it would happen, on occasion, that I was sure hours had passed when only minutes had ticked by.  
Sirius suffered from it more than I did, much like in the weeks that we had been observed by the Ministry. He felt trapped and he would often pace through the rooms like a wild animal in a cage. Then again, a part of him was a dog, so it kind of made sense.

We only got news about once a week when Lily or Remus or sometimes Professor Dumbledore wrote to us. They did not dare to write anything of substance, though, because rumours had been going around of owls being intercepted.  
By the beginning of April, I could not keep Sirius inside any longer, at least not for the whole time. He strolled about in his Animagus form, coming close to wizarding houses and public places, straining his ears to gather news.

The first time he made to venture outside, the tension between us unloaded in a nasty fight. I was terribly worried that something would happen to him and he was too angry at anything and anyone to stay inside even a moment longer.

"I can't stand being here anymore!" he shouted, eyes blazing in fury.

"You're being reckless and selfish and over all stupid-"

"STOP TALKING," he exploded. "I can't listen to you anymore. I don't want to hear you, I don't want to see you-"

"Fine!" I snapped back before his words had the chance to sting. I would not let him now that he hurt me, not in that moment. "Then don't bother coming back!"

He had come that very evening. Of course he had. He had not meant what he said and neither had I. In fact, he had been more relaxed in the following days until the tension began to build up again.  
I did not try to hold him back again, though I hated to see him go. He was putting himself in danger yet again, but I supposed this was just the way it was. It was damn well my own fault for falling in love with a Gryffindor in the first place.

For about a month, Sirius only returned with bland news. Nothing of great importance was ever heard and most of the time, he just brought back rumours and gossip.  
Until, that was, one dark evening in May. He started barking as soon as he was in earshot, a loud, desperate sound and I rushed outside to greet him. By the time I threw open the door, he had already transformed back and was hurrying towards me with wide steps.

"Back inside!" he shouted to me. "Get back inside - Merlin, don't you listen, please go back-"

He stumbled into me, then, mostly because I had not gone back inside as he demanded. He did not seem to mind much, now that he had reached me. He pulled me as close as he could and I only now realized that he was shaking.  
When I tried to pull back, he clutched to me even tighter. If I had not been panicked already, I most certainly was now.

"Sirius?" I asked. "What's going on?"

He pushed me backwards until we crossed the threshold again. The door fell shut behind him and he finally let go of me. Finally, I got a good look of his face. Sirius looked absolutely devastated.

"What happened?" I demanded, checking his body for injuries, though I doubted physical harm would ever cause such devastation.

"The McKinnons," he said. He leant back and his head fell back against the door. "They're all dead."

I stared before I staggered backwards. I made for the nearest armchair and sank down on it. "How?" I breathed out.

Sirius had not moved from his spot and he was not even looking at me as he answered. "Apparently, they just came in the dead of the night. This morning, a neighbour found them all dead in their beds."

Everything inside me seemed to constrict with sorrow. I leant forward, curling up on myself. Poor little Marlene, she had become such a great girl lately. And her mother, who had been such a kind and generous person... I could not quite comprehend how anyone would want to harm them, would want to murder them in their sleep.  
Finally, Sirius moved. Instead he walked slowly towards me. As he reached me, I scooted over and we huddled together on the armchair, clinging tightly to each other.

"This won't happen to us," he said quietly. "I swear to you, this won't happen to us."

I wanted to believe him, I really did, but the truth was, neither of us could be sure that we would wake up again tomorrow.

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	16. August 7, 1981

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* * *

 **August 7, 1981**

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We did not go to the funeral for obvious reasons. In fact, I suspected there were very few people who attended the McKinnon's funeral. Everyone was positively spooked about the way of their death. If one was not save in their own beds, where were they safe?  
Of course, Sirius and I had the Fidelius Charm to keep us safe, but their was still a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, that remnant of fear that sometimes woke me up in the middle of the night for no apparent

For a while, Sirius stopped his strolls, probably scared himself, but even that could not keep him inside for too long. By the beginning of June, he was sneaking out again. I caught him as he was leaving the second time and he flinched visibly when he spotted me. But I did not attempt to stop him. What was the point, anyway?  
As Sirius did, he got more and more reckless as the weeks progressed. When Harry's birthday was coming up in July, he actually went out in human form to buy a mini-broomstick. He had had the good sense not to tell me beforehand, because I had a right fit when he brought it home that evening.

I gift-wrapped it for him, anyway (mostly because the way he wrapped it looked more like an insult than a present) and we sent it off right away.  
Lily's thank-you letter did not take long to arrive. In fact, I thought she jumped on the opportunity to write us an extra-letter that week. Much too my joy, she included a picture of her son on the broomstick. The whole thing looked like a lot of fun, albeit a little dangerous. It was a true shame that I had not been able to see it myself.

"Hey," I said when Sirius strolled into the kitchen, looking rather ruffled. "Lily send a picture of Harry. She says thank you for the birthday present. He already smashed her sister's vase, though." Sirius hummed indecisively and I added. "She hated it, so I suppose you did well on that department, as well."

I held out the picture for Sirius but he did not even move to take it. I furrowed my eyebrows at him in confusion. He did not look like something bad had happened, though, not like yet someone else had died. He was obviously worrying about something, though, and I waited a bit to see if he would say what it was.  
He did not and so I held out the photo again. "Sirius," I said. "Have a look."

"Oh," he made and finally took the picture from me. "He's going to be a Quidditch player one day."

"James said the same thing, apparently," I informed him. "No wonder, you two are basically the same person in two bodies."

Sirius pulled a disgusted face, but he did not protest. Instead, he stared silently at the photo, where Harry was flying in and out of the shot at high speed. I had no doubt the two were right - the boy would most certainly play Quidditch one day, probably not too bad either. He did not have much of a choice, I supposed, with that father.

"Does James have the cloak back yet?" Sirius asked suddenly. "Did she say?"

"No, actually," I said. "Dumbledore's still got it."

A few weeks ago, James had sent a letter, in all-caps saying that Dumbledore had found out about the Invisibility Cloak and had borrowed it promptly. Also, he had apparently

"Prongs is probably going mad," he muttered, shaking his head slightly while picture-Harry started spinning on the spot on his broom.

"He's got the kid," I told him. "He needs to be reasonable."

Sirius sighed heavily, but nodded along. I reached out to take the picture from him as his gip started to visibly tighten. It was very obvious that something was wrong, but he still did not keep up and I decided to just move on as if I had not noticed anything. Maybe he would pull himself together if I left him alone.

"She says Peter was over recently," I said. "But he wasn't doing so good. He's never been the same since the McKinnons..."

Sirius dropped his head and I reached out to put a hand on his arm. He flinched away at once and I sighed, myself. Maybe letting him pull himself together on his own was not a good idea, after all.

"Anything else?" he asked roughly.

"Just her neighbour telling weird stories about Dumbledore," I said. "Same old."  
I hesitated, contemplating if I should ask or not. Worst case, he would storm right off again, but he left almost every night, anyway, so I could not really lose. He looked up, met my gaze and then rolled his eyes.

"I'm fine," he said.

"If you say so," I retorted, still watching his face for any hints. Sadly, I was not apt in Legilimency, that would have come in really handy by now. I wondered briefly if the Death Eaters could do it. It was said that no one had mastered the art as the Dark Lord had. Then again, why would he teach something like that to his minions?

"You really want to know, don't you?" Sirius said.

I though he really wanted to tell me by now, but I did not want to scare him off, so I only answered with a non-committal shrug. He huffed and for a moment, I worried that he had seen right through me. As it turned out, he had not.

"Fine," he ground out. "It's Remus."

I jerked in fright. I was not entirely sure what I had expected, but I had not expected anything worrisome about Remus. "What happened?" I asked.

He pulled a face. "Nothing bad. Yet," he added in an afterthought. "I just... I've been thinking."

I could not help myself, then. "That's a surprise," I said.

"I'm ser... look, I really mean it," he said and I had to bite back the grin that threatened to spread on my face. "Things have been weird."

A lot of things had been weird, horrifying, tragic lately. But none of those had included Remus. It had been a while since I had last seen him, but he had seemed fine. He had looked a little bit healthier than he often did.

"He seemed to be okay-"

"Exactly!" Sirius interrupted me. "He appears to be rather happy in that wolf pack and to think, he didn't tell us for a long while-"

"He told me," I reminded him carefully.

"Only you, and in a shady pub in Knockturn Alley!" he argued.

"He was worried you'd worry and when you worry, you act impulsively," I attempted to explain. And though I thought I had hit the nail on the head, Sirius merely huffed in annoyance.

"And then there's Maia," he said as if that sentence explained anything.

"What about her?" I demanded. I had seen even less of Maia than I had of Remus and as far as I knew, nothing extraordinary had happened between the two. They obviously liked each other very much.

"He's hanging out in a wolfpack, hooking up with a Slytherin-"

"You turn into a dog and you are going to marry a Slytherin," I waved the ring he had finally gotten me in front of his face. "What's your point?"

He frowned at me and sagged a little bit in his stance. "We know that there's a spy somewhere. Information's been leaked..."

"And you think it's Remus?" I exclaimed, taking a step backwards.  
Sirius often said things that were no very sensible but this was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard coming out of his mouth. Maybe we had a traitor in our ranks, there were many people that I did not trust enough to be absolutely sure. But about Remus, I was sure.

"Think about it," Sirius said. "He's been shunned from society ever since he was bitten... and there's Voldemort, offering all of them a proper part in the wizarding world-"

"Remus is smart," I shot back. "And kind and good. Entirley to selfless to be blinded by such things! I can't believe that you would think... he's one of your best friends."

"You suspected Peter once!" he said, clearly agitated.

"I said he's likely to be scared into talking, not that he would willingly become the enemy!" I said. "I don't believe that about any of our friends."

Sirius glared at me, but his expression changed quickly and he rubbed a hand over his face tiredly. "I... I saw him today, just from afar. And Remus looked - content. And I just thought... we're so far from content, that just can't be right."

I smiled at him, which I hoped was encouraging, and reached out to touch him again. This time, he did not push me away and I stepped closer to run my fingers through his hair. It had grown messier these past few weeks.  
"Let him be content," I said. "We'll have our time to be content. And until then, we'll just have to make the best of what we have."

He rested his hands on my hips and pulled me closer. Before I knew it, we were kissing, a messy, passionate meeting of lips and teeth and tongue and then he was carrying me towards the bedroom.

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	17. October 3, 1981

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to BelieverofManyThings and Ash-Caro-Lynn, my two most faithful reviewers, for reviewing ;)**

 **Hope y'all enjoy the new chapter.**

* * *

 **October 3, 1981**

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In contrast to Sirius, being cooped up inside did not lead me into recklessness. I had often cursed being in Slytherin, but I supposed it had its perks. For example, I would not get caught by dog catchers. It had happened to Sirius twice already. Nothing too bad had happened to him, though and soon he got more and more careless, too.

He never voiced his thoughts about Remus again, but I noticed the sligthly narrowing of his eyes whenever our friend was mentioned. Remus' letters spoke very honestly about life in the pack - and while I did have the impression that he suffered less than he once had, none of it made me suspect that he had changed loyalties.

Summer drew by in the same fashion as spring had and soon it was autumn. It got colder at once and it started raining a lot, but neither of that kept Sirius inside. I stil worried, though one evening in early October found me very happy that he was gone.  
I had taken a look on the calendar that morning - October 3. My heart clenched painfully when I saw it. Two years before, Reg had been waiting on our doorstep. Just hours later, he had been dead, drowned in an underearth lake full of Inferi.

I did not know if Sirius had realized, though he probably had. In either case, he did not say anything. I had not expected that he would.  
So, that night, after he had left for his usual stroll, I snuck out myself and apparated to the cemetery as soon as I left the boundaries of the spell around our house.

The first proper worries overcame me when I moved between the headstones of the if someone else had decided to come here tonight? After all, I was not the the only person that had known Reg. He had had a lot of family, right? If my mother came to check on me in the hospital, who said his mother would not visit his grave on the anniversary of his death?  
Yet as I approached the grave, I found that the place was absolutely empty. Despite my relief, I was a little bit sad to find it so. Certainly, Reg would have deserved more people to remember him?

I stopped in front of the grave and bit my lip uncertainly. I had not brought any flowers, I realized. Maybe I should have done that. Of course, a flick of my wand could have conjured some up, but I did not want to risk exposing myself to unsuspecting Muggle passerbyers.

"Hey Reg," I muttered in spite of my lack of flowers. "I know it's been a while, but... we're in trouble. No surprises there."  
It felt weird talking out loud to no one and I wondered if Reg would think me to be as ridiculous as I felt. Then again, what else was I supposed to do? Just sit here silently and mope?  
"I hope someone else has been by," I said. "You deserve better than such loneliness. But... no one else brought flowers, either, so I guess you didn't have any luck. I hope Sirius has been here, at least, he never tells me where he goes, so I wouldn't know."

I let out a humourless laugh at that thought. Whatever would Reg say if he knew I was complaining about his brother? Surely, he would not be surprised. I could at least imagine what Sirius would say if he found out that I was complaining about him to Reg. What had he said the last time we had been here? 'I thought now he's dead I'd finally finish competing with my brother.' He had passed it off as a joke, but we both knew it was so much more than that.  
"I gave the locket to Kreacher," I said. "I didn't know what else to do with it and he was so happy, he adores you even more now than he used to... I remember when I visited you that one summer and you were always so nice to him. It was partly why I thought that maybe I could marry you, after all. Can you imagine that? We would have not been very differently off if we had married, by the way. You'd still be dead and I'd still be in trouble."  
I sighed heavily as I contemplated this. "I don't know if that's great or horrible, to be honest."

I pulled my cloak tighter around me, then. It was actually very spooky to think that something so big could have had so little impact after all. Then again, had I married Reg I would surely not be with Sirius and things could perhaps be even worse. Who could say, really?

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I did not hear the footsteps approaching until they stopped right behind me. I stiffened when I noticed the foreign presence, yet I did not dare turning around. Maybe it was just a Muggle. Maybe it was someone more menacing. Maybe this just was not happening if I did not turn around to see.

"I thought I would find you here."

Every muscle in my body sagged with relief. Lily. It was just Lily.  
It was Lily! I whirled around with wide eyes. How in Merlin's name was she here? Why did she leave the safety of her home? Why did she leave her family? And why would she know to find me here?

She laughed slightly as she took in my stunned expression. "I kind of hated the git, but I wouldn't forget that it was Regulus' death day. I worried about you," she added by way of explanation. "So I dropped by your place earlier, but no one was home. I thought Sirius would be with you."

"I have no idea where Sirius is," I said and Lily's face twisted in concern. "He does that every night, I'm sure he's fine."

"Thank Merlin that Dumbledore took James' cloak," she said. "I'd be going mad."

"It's Sirius," I said. "I figure I'm mad already."

She laughed again at that. I still could not wrap my head around the fact that she was here. It had been so long since we had seen each other and now here she was in the middle of the night on a graveyard, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"I didn't tell him I was going here," I said. "Didn't know if he'd want to come. Where Reg is concerned, it's just better to deal with it separately."

She watched curiously and then sighed a little as if she had reached a decision she regretted already. Considering her next words, I figured that was exactly what had happened.  
"You never told me... how did he really die?" she asked.

I swallowed hard, prepared to say something vague about crossing the Dark Lord, but her gaze was so scrutinizing that it was obvious she would see right through me. Still, I did not want to put her in the added danger of knowing about Horcruxes. It was dangerous, horrifying knowledge and Lily had enough to deal with it as it was.  
So, I decided for a compromise. "We found something out about the Dark Lord... and we thought, well Reg thought he could do something to stop him. He wanted to be brave. And I couldn't let him do it alone, after all we'd been through. So we set out together."

"And?" Lily urged.

"He was so brave. I know he was only a Slytherin, but that night, he was the most courageous man I'd ever seen... but he paid the price. I couldn't stop it, couldn't safe him," I continued. Instead of Lily's face, my mind showed me the memories of that night, how he had drunk the potion, how he had suffered, how he had been pulled under, doomed from the moment the Inferi had grabbed him. My screams from that night echoed in my ears. "In a way, it's my fault."

Lily's touch on my arm pulled me from the painful memories and I found that her eyes had watered with tears. "No," she said in a shaky voice. "I am sure it wasn't your fault."

"I should've told him to leave it alone," I said. "That would have been the reasonable thing to do. But no, we had to be reckless... we're not supposed to be reckless, we're Slytherins, we're supposed to think before we act, now look where it got us-"

I rubbed a hand across my face to stop the tears running down my cheeks. Lily enveloped me into a warm hug that made me feel even worse. After all, I had come out alive that night. I had not paid for our stupidity with my life like Reg had.

"Does Sirius know?" she asked quietly and all I could do was shake my head violently. "You have to tell him. He deserves to know that Regulus was a good guy in the end. Don't you think?"

She was right, of course she was right. Truth be told - Lily Potter was always right.

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 **So... October 1981, you guys know what that means right?**

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 **Until then, have yourself a lovely day :)**


	18. Halloween 1981

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to Ash-Caro-Lynn and BelieverofManyThings for reviewing. You guys are the best!**

* * *

 **Halloween, 1981**

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Lily had convinced me to tell Sirius the truth about his brother's death and I really meant to tell him. But as per usual, neither my resolve nor my courage were very strong and every time that I wanted to tell him, I backed down again, switched topic at last second and breathed an inward sigh of relief.

I was not entirely sure why I had so much trouble telling him the truth. I did not think he would be terribly angry. A bit, perhaps, because I had lied yet again, but I doubted that would be the main issue.  
He would be upset, though, I was sure of it. The reason I had initially kept it from him still stood - Sirius would have to find out that his brother had been a good guy along, that he had shunned him for naught and that he would never have a chance to make things right, after all. It was more merciful leaving him to obliviousness.

It was also a lot easier for me, which led me to believe that the true reason was just my own selfishness. Maybe I did fear that he would be angry - I was already blaming myself for what had happened in the cave. What if Sirius did the same? What if he would never forgive me?

If anything, he did sense that something was amiss. Even now, as I was carrying the dishes into the kitchen, I could feel his critical gaze on my back. Everything inside me tensed, but I forced myself to continue as if everything was fine and normal. Water splattered into the sink, but I still heard his footsteps behind me. When I looked over my shoulder, I found him standing in the doorway, watching me.

"Grab a towel," I said, attempting a light tone. "I'm not doing this alone."

He approached, pulling a towel from the rack. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

I swallowed hard, concentrating on rinsing of the plates. "I don't know what you mean," I answered. "Nothing's wrong."

He chuckled gently, taking the soaking plate I offered to him. "That bad, huh?"

I looked at him from the corner of my eye. A part of me screamed at me to tell him right now, here and now, while we were doing the dishes and just get it over with. Then again, these were hardly the right circumstances. I should at least ask him to sit down, to approach the whole thing with delicacy.

"I admit, I'm curious," Sirius said. "Is it something I did? Because you can't have gone off with my brother again, and that's usually what's making you awkward."

The plate I had been holding fell from my hands, crashed into the sink and splashed water everywhere. I cursed under my breath, grabbing a towel of my own to dry myself off while Sirius was staring at me in wonder.

"Please tell me he didn't resurrect or something strange like that," he said.

"Unfortunately not," I said in spite of the rising sickness inside me. If only Reg had resurrected and if only there was no such thing as immortality.  
Sirius took the towel from me and started wiping the water off of me, himself. I squirmed a bit, but let him have his way. The alternative was fessing up and I did not want to, even though I should have.

"If you don't want to tell me that's fine," he said. "We're not one of those couples, anyway."

"Those couples?" I asked with a wry smile.

"Who tell each other everything and anything," he specified. "Merlin, that would be awkward."

I giggled along with him for a bit, but it still did not ease my mind. After all, he was talking about outrageous conquests in school and I was talking about my part in the death of his only brother. "Listen, Sirius-"

A silvery stag appeared right behind him in that moment. We jumped apart at the sudden glow and noise. Usually, when someone sent a patronus, they had a message, clear and poignant. This one was screaming in several voices, filling up the room around us.  
 _"He's here!" - "Take Harry and go! Go! I'll hold him off-" "James-"_

Sirius whispered, "Prongs" but he choked it out and more than he actually said it while the stag evaporated, taking the glow with it and leaving us in utter darkness.

"Sirius," I said. "It's not true, right? That's not true."

He did not answer me, but his face, torn between despair and anger, spoke volumes. My breathing had sped up, taking my heart-rate right with it and I felt suddenly sick.  
Sirius whirled around, storming out of the kitchen and I followed at once. He tossed me my wand the moment that I crossed into the living room and then his fingers wrapped around my lower arm and he turned to apparate.

Everything inside me coiled up, being pressed tightly together in a rush of deaf noise and void colour. It was over as soon as I had began and Sirius and I stumbled apart, tumbling onto the streets of Godric's Hollow. I just swallowed down the bile rising in my throat and Sirius was bleeding profusely, where a patch of his arm had been splintered away.

But neither he nor I could worry about it for too long. He had taken us right to the front gate of the Potter's cottage - to our horror, it could be seen, standing in plain sight before us. The Fidelius Charm had broken.  
Worse, though, it was little better than a ruin. A large part of the upper level had been blown away and lay shattered in a pile of stones and dust in their front yard.

"No," I breathed. "No, no, no, no-"

Sirius had picked himself up before I had and was already striding towards the front door. It was dangling wide open and he staggered to a stop just a few steps from the doorway. Then he started running.  
I called for him, rushing after him with the heavy feel of dread lying like a heavy stone in my stomach. I was not quite sure how I kept walking, for my whole body was shaking profusely.

I stopped right where Sirius had stopped before me at the sight I was presented with. Sirius was kneeling over James' unmoving body. James lay sprawled across the stairs, limbs outstretched, unseeing eyes staring at the ceiling.  
My tears spilled over at once, the Patronus' voice ringing in my ears. 'I'll hold him off', James had yelled to Lily. Stupid, reckless Gryffindors.

Sirius was shaking with his own sobs when I finally moved forward to join him. James' body lay like a barrier to the upper level and I dreaded moving any further, knowing what I would find. There was no escaping the Dark Lord, no getting away.

A cry suddenly rang from upstairs, a high-pitched, nasal sound and I reacted before I could think about it. Sirius had looked up, just as I had, and I pushed him aside, dashing past the body up the stairs.

"Harry!"

"No!" Sirius called after me. "He might still be there-"

But I did not care. I ran as fast as I could, stumbling over the stairs and my own feet to get to Harry. I only stopped when I arrived at the nursery. Half the room was a gaping hole where the wall had been blasted away. In the mass of stones and wood lay Lily - her red hair glistening in the pale moonlight, but her eyes as blank as James'.  
It felt like I could not breath and I bent over for a second, choking and gasping for air. Then I raised my eyes again.

Harry was sitting in his crib, staring at me with wide eyes, tears staining his round cheeks. I hurried forward and lifted him up and out of the crib. The boy started crying again, then, wailing pitifully as I carried him over the ruins and the dead body of his mother. I cradled him tightly to my chest shushing and assuring him through my own sobs.  
When I turned, I found that Sirius had followed me and was standing in the hallway, staring at the destruction. I had seen his sorrow many times, had seen him mourn many people, but I had never seen devastation like this. His eyes looked tortured and yet empty, like all hope had drained out of him. Sirius, who always stood so proud and brave now looked shrunken, not even half the man I knew.

"He's alive," I told him. "Harry's fine, he's fine."

Sirius' eyes suddenly fixed on the child in my arms. "How?" he asked, his voice shaking despite the quietness of his question.

"I- I don't know," I answered.  
I looked down at the boy in my arms and he looked back at me. My heart almost stopped when I noticed it - the skin of his forehead was carved open, just slightly, bleeding so little that it just so smeared the edges. It was not enough to hide the lightning form of the cut, so prominent that I wondered how I could have missed it before.

"Sirius," I whispered, turning Harry slightly in my arms so he could see.

"And the Dark Lord?" he asked. Sirius walked past me, decidedly not looking in Lily's direction, while I shifted Harry closer to me again.

"I don't know," I said again. "D'you think he fell?"

Sirius turned back to me with an unreadable expression. "I'll call for Dumbledore," he said.


	19. November 1, 1981

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to Ash-Caro-Lynn for reviewing!  
I wanted to update yesterday but - I simply forgot. Sorry! So, because I can't do it tonight, this morning will have to do (well, morning where I live^^). Enjoy!**

* * *

 **November 1, 1981**

* * *

I carried Harry downstairs. Sirius had moved James' body, laying him onto a carpet in the hallway, his hands folded and eyes closed. I pressed Harry closer to me so he would not see. I wished I had not seen, either.  
I did risk a peek out of the window, though. There was no doubt that the Dark Lord had been here, but Harry had survived with little more than a scar. What had happened to Voldemort? Even outside, there was not so much as a trace of the body.  
Had he just left? I dismissed the thought at once. He would not have left with the child still alive. All this had just been about Harry. And yet... I inspected the scar again. I had heard of curse scars before, of course, but this... he would not have tried anything but the Killing Curse. That did not leave any scar, and no one could survive it.  
It was a miracle.

"I sent a message to Dumbledore," Sirius said, appearing next to me in the living room. "He should be here soon."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Honestly I had no idea how to proceed. I did not think I could cross the hallway again, not while James was still lying there and I certainly could not go upstairs where Lily was sprawled among the rubble. We had to take Harry, though, and our home was not even close to prepared for a child.

"Wormtail," Sirius said suddenly and I started, making the child in my arms cry again with the sudden movement. "He... do you think they killed Peter?"

My throat constricted again with dread, but my mind was running fast. What happened if the Secret Keeper died? For all I knew, the charm did not break or otherwise the spell would be useless.

"He would have taken the secret to the grave," I said. "Quite literally."

Sirius' eyes widened slightly and it took a second for me to follow his line of thought. There was only one way that the Potters could have been found, then. Peter must have divulged their secret.

"But, that's... no," I said. "No, I can't believe that."

"You were the one who always said that it was dangerous picking him," Sirius said, his voice growing louder and more agitated. "You said he would break easily-"

"I did, but-"

But now that I had seen the destruction, now that I had seen James and Lily dead, I could not believe anyone would enable this. Especially not Peter, who was always so kind, who had always admired James so much... I just refused to believe that he would betray his friends like that.

"He's the only one," Sirius said. "The only one who knew, they only one who could have told Voldemort, the only one."

He whirled around, striding towards the hallway and I followed after him, Harry pulling at my hair while I moved. "What are you going to do?" I asked.

His eyes were blazing when he turned back to me. "I'm going to find him," he said through gritted teeth. "And I'm going to _end_ him."

"Sirius, if he is a Death Eater-"

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND," he yelled and I flinched while Harry gave a pitiful wail at the noise, his chubby fingers digging into my skull where he had grabbed my hair before. "It's his fault! Lily and James are dead because of him! Prongs is _dead_ , Selene, do you understand? I don't care if he's a Death Eater, I don't care if his master taught him weird tricks - I'm going to put an end to his miserable life!"

I bounced the baby a little, shushing him while I watched Sirius pacing impatiently. I knew that look on him. There was no holding him back, no reasoning with him. And while I was terribly afraid that he might get hurt, a large part of me wanted to know that Peter would pay for what he did.

"I have to," he breathed out and I nodded sharply, tears running freely yet again.

"I'll wait for Dumbledore and then I'll take Harry to our house. We'll meet there, right?" I said. Sirius nodded grimly, but it was not enough for me. "Promise me."

"I promise," he said.

I had to turn away and press Harry as tight to me as possible to keep from breaking down when the tell-tale crack of apparating echoed through the house. I was alone in the ruins of a life, the lone survivor gurgling in my arms.

Harry fell asleep some unknown time later. There was no crib to place him in, no proper bed nor anything else, but I would not have dared letting go of him, anyway. I just watched him as he slept, this little miracle of a boy.  
I could not wrap my head around the fact that he lived, that he had survived an attack by the mightiest wizard that had ever lived while his parents could not even hold him off.

I choked on my sobs yet again while the pain tore threw me. It was entirely unfair that such a thing would happen. Harry was just a baby, the most innocent, most beautiful thing I knew and now he was an orphan, his parents' best friend had betrayed them and his whole existence stood on shaky grounds.  
It was a small mercy that he was still so young. Without doubt, he would soon not remember any of this horror. A part of me wished that I could forget as easily, too.

My thoughts were interrupted by a roaring motor from outside. I hurried to the window and saw Sirius' motorcycle practically dropping out of the sky. It was quickly obvious that Sirius was not riding it, though. In fact, there was only one person I knew who would fit the huge frame I could make out.  
I contemplated climbing out of the window to greet Hagrid so I would not have to pass by the body, but I finally decided that I did not want to wake Harry and so I did pass through the hallway, decidedly not looking at James.

Outside, Hagrid approached me with wide steps. I had never talked to him much - in school, the Slytherins had always thought him to weird and too mundane to waste much thought on him and later, he had very seldom been around. Mostly because regular houses were too small for him.

"Has Dumbledore sent you?" I asked.

"Yes," he said gruffly, his black eyes scanning the destroyed house. "Sent me to take care o' Harry."

A sudden fear struck my heart and I tightened my grip slightly. "I'm taking care of Harry."

"Dumbledore said yeh would say that," Hagrid answered. "But he says I mus' take 'im to his relatives."

"Relatives?" I asked, trying to figure out who was left of the boy's family. What I came up with, I did not like at all. "I'm not handing him to those Muggles! Tell Dumbledore I won't let Harry go!"

"He said it was real' important!" Hagrid argued. "An' if Dumbledore says something, ain't he always right?"

"Lily and James wanted us to take care of him," I argued, gently running my fingers across Harry's head. "I can't give him away to her sister of all people-"

"Dumbledore said it would be dangerous," Hagrid said swiftly. "Out there, I mean. Anywhere bu' at his aunt's an' uncle's."

Professor Dumbledore was good, I had to admit. He had Hagrid say the only thing that would convince me. My fear that Harry might still be in danger, that he might be even in danger with me, was worse than having to give him into the care of someone else.

"Only for the time being," I said. "When I made sure we're safe, I'm coming to get him."

In retrospect, I would never know how I could have given Harry away with just a kiss to the forehead and another vow that I would come to collect him very soon. I attributed it to utter exhaustion.  
Hagrid assured me that Dumbledore was making arrangements to retrieve the bodies and that he did not want me found at the scene. So I did as I had told Sirius and apparated home.

Everything seemed to be in order and it was the strangest thing I had ever witnessed. Nothing was in order, my whole life was upside down, large parts of it just violently ripped out, leaving my heart bleeding and yet, everything looked as it had before. As if this was another life, as if nothing had ever happened.

I did not sleep at all. First, I was waiting for Sirius. Then, I was worrying about Sirius, worrying about Harry, worrying about everything and everyone. All this, intercepted by my sobs of whenever my thoughts would brush by James and Lily.

By morning, when he had still not returned, I made my way outside. I did not know where to go and I was too tired to properly function, anyway, but my apparition somehow brought me to Diagon Alley.  
People were celebrating in the streets. More than once, wizards and witches I had never seen scooped me in their arms and cried, "He's dead! You-Know-Who is dead!" I did not tell them that it could not be so easy.

Someone was distributing copies of the Daily Prophet and the crowd around him did not look as happy as the rest. When I arrived, a witch at least twice my age whispered to the others, "That's her! Black's girl!"

I could not even form a reply before her friend pushed a copy of the paper in my hands. It held a picture of Sirius - he looked absolutely manic, laughing hysterically. My eyes skimmed over the headline, incredulous of the information it held. _Twelve Muggles dead at the hand of Death Eater Sirius Black. Hero Peter Pettigrew did pay for his bravery with his life._

The bit of my world that had still been upright crumbled in that moment.

* * *

 **Review, pretty please!**


	20. November 19,1981

**Thanks to BelieverofManyThings and Ash-Caro-Lynn for reviewing.  
Things aren't getting any better for Selene, but I hope y'all still enjoy!**

* * *

 **November 19, 1981**

* * *

Reporters were popping up every step of the way as I tried to walk across the atrium. It did not matter to them that I very clearly said 'No comments' over and over again. They still kept screaming questions in my face, about Peter, about Lily and James, about Sirius and if I had known that he was a Death Eater.  
They had thrown him into Azkaban, without trial, without any chance to defend himself or be defended. In my outrage, I had demanded to see the Minister and complain personally. I had once again been deterred to Rufus Scrimgeour instead.

While we passed the fountain and approached the lifts, the reporters kept throwing questions at me. I flinched every time someone mentioned Peter's name, but fought to keep my face emotionless. It was only when I had almost reached the lifts that someone asked a question that made my resolve crumble.

"Are you under investigation, too?" someone shouted. "Death Eaters stick together, don't they?"

The reporter was a young woman with very prominent glasses. She adjusted them as I face her, not in the lest perturbed by the murderous look on my face. "Tell me," I said. "D'you think it's wise provoking a Death Eater?"

She paled at my words while the crowd around her roared a new, half babbling, half screaming at these supposed news. I took the chance to slip into the lift without anyone following me. It was blessed relief.  
My outburst would be all over the papers before I could blink, but I could not bring myself to regret it. If they wanted to think of me as a criminal, I would let them. It did not matter to me at all.

Rufus Scrimgeour was already waiting for me. He looked less stressed than the last time I had seen him, but being pleased to see someone looked very different. He stepped aside to allow me entrance into his office and I sat down at once, without being offered the seat. I did not want to waste time with unnecessary pleasantries.  
Scrimgeour frowned at me, but he did not say anything to correct my behaviour before he sat down behind his desk. He pushed a few files aside and then looked up at me expectantly.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"I think you know that," I told him. "The Ministry has taken unlawful action against Sirius Black and-"

"Unlawful?" he repeated, his bushy eyebrows rising at once.

"You've sentenced him without trial," I said. "That is against the law."

He leant forward at that, inspecting me closely. He had to know that as well - surely, _everyone_ knew that what they had done was against the law. The problem was that there would be no publicity. People wanted someone punished and for all they knew, Sirius was the right person to condemn.

"He has killed thirteen Muggles and a highly respected member of the wizarding community," Scrimgeour said. "There is no doubt that such actions warrant imprisonment."

"You've got the wrong man!" I said urgently. "Pettigrew is the one to blame! He's the Death Eater!"

Scrimgeour scoffed at that. "Peter Pettigrew? I knew the boy as well, that seems hardly likely," he said.

I closed my eyes and rubbed a hand over my face in annoyance. Obviously, Peter was not the guy one would suspect of being a Death Eater, but it was true nonetheless. If the Ministry always worked on mere appearances like that, I wondered how many people were wrongly imprisoned.  
Then again, they were not the only ones. I had obviously first contacted the Order, but most of them did not believe me, either. Dumbledore had not been seen for two weeks and the rest seemed convinced that Sirius had been the Secret Keeper, no matter what I said.  
Even Remus said that he was not sure what to believe. I had told him how insulting that was, but he had not been swayed.

"He's been the Potter's Secret Keeper," I said. "Only he could have betrayed their secret!"

"The only proof for that is your word," he told me.

"Who's there to say it's otherwise?" I challenged. "You haven't heard any witnesses."

He was exasperated, I could see it. It was not welcome at all - I had hoped to find him in good humour so he would be more willing to help. By now, I realized it had been a futile hope.  
"Fine," he said. "I'll humour you. Saying that it was in deed Pettigrew who betrayed the Potters... did he kill himself, then?"

"Have you found the body?" I inquired

"We found his finger," Scrimgeour said.

"A finger's not a body," I pointed out.

Was this man not supposed to be a competent Auror? Surely, it would have been his job to investigate properly. But what did I expect from a Ministry that locked people up without giving them a fair hearing?

"Besides, Sirius is not the type to murder innocent bystanders! If it was just Peter dead, I'd maybe believe it, but this?" I shook my head vigourously, hoping to convince him yet. "You haven't even found Pettigrew and yet all those Muggles are dead, it doesn't fit him at all!"

Scrimgeour pinched the bridge of his nose and then rubbed his fingers up and down, probably to ease his frustration. I could not believe that he would not believe me. I could not believe the incredible injustice that was happening to Sirius, to me. He was rotting in Azkaban while Peter was perhaps still running free.  
Not to mention, with him in prison, my chances at getting Harry back were slim to nonexistent. The poor boy was under the care of his wizard-hating relatives and I had to get him out before it was too late.  
If only Scrimgeour could see my desperation for what it really was - the horror of one wrongfully harmed.

"That night," he said. "Tell me about that night."

I swallowed hard, my heart clenching at the memory. The pain was still so fresh, so raw, like a half-healed wound that kept breaking open and bled again when one stretched skin too far.  
"James notified us," I said quietly. "We rushed, but we were too late. They were already dead, only Harry was alive, it's a right miracle. We couldn't understand... but then, we figured out - Peter was the only one who knew where to find them!"

"Surely, Mr Black didn't react well to that news," Scrimgeour pried.

I looked up at him and shook my head. "He wanted... he wanted to go after Peter," I admitted. "But I still can't believe-"

He breathed out a satisfied sigh. "Did you go with him?"

"No," I said. "But-"

"So it could be, that he found Mr Pettigrew and in his anger blew up the whole street," Scrimgeour enunciated, as if I was too dumb to understand him otherwise.  
Contrary to his belief, I did understand. I had not been there, but I still _knew._ Sirius was a good guy at heart and he would not murder innocent people. Also, I knew Peter had been a Death Eater and I consider that kind of wizard capable of nearly anything.

"It could," I said. "But... it doesn't fit."

"And if he did that," Scrimgeour continued. "Couldn't it be that he deceived you and was the real traitor?"

I stared at him, absolutely flabbergasted. I could not believe how he would twist my words around and throw this at me, as if it made any sense. As if there was any way that Sirius Black had ever been a Death Eater. As if he would have sent James and Lily to certain death.  
"James and Sirius were like brothers!" I burst out. "He would have never - there's no way and I think you know it. You just want to have some success and lock somebody up!"

His eyes narrowed dangerously at me. I knew it was not technically his fault - he did not have the authority to put anyone in jail - but he did have the nerve to defend the Ministry's actions even though they were so outrageous.  
"I think you should go," he said.

I huffed, but followed his request. If I angered him further, that would only worsen Sirius' chances. "I will be back," I said, though. I could not keep it in. "I assure you I won't give up."

He smiled grimly at me. "Oh, I'm sure," he said. "Maybe we'll meet again sooner than you think." I stared at him, blinking a bit stupidly. This time, I really did not know what he meant. "The fiancée of a Death Eater," he said. "Surely, you didn't think we would not investigate."

My hands clenched into fists, fingernails digging hard into my palms. The nerve of that man. I took a few sharp, deep breaths in the hopes of not exploding right then and there.  
Instead, I whirled around and stormed out of his office, the door slamming shut behind me. Clearly, the end of the war had not at all been as fortunate an event as I had always thought it would be.

* * *

 **Only two more chapters and the epilogue to go... we're nearing the end, dearies!**


	21. November 23, 1981

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to Ash-Caro-Lynn and BelieverofManyThings for reviewing!**

* * *

 **November 23, 1981**

* * *

They started up with the observation again. I cursed my bad luck and my inability to keep my mouth shut. This time, when they positioned watchers outside my door, I did not stay inside. I did not not hide, did not pull the curtains closed.  
I did not have anything to hide and I did not want to make the impression that I had, either. Sirius might be lost - though never would I give up hope - but there was still the matter of Harry.

I had written countless letters to Professor Dumbledore, asking for help in Sirius' case and asking for news of Harry. I never got any answers.  
Meanwhile, I tried making the cottage baby-safe. No one would ever tell me that I was unprepared. What I was not prepared to do, most of all, was letting Harry stay where he was. I had been wrong to give him away in the first place. Lily would have been awfully disappointed with me.

It was for that reason that I made my way to Hogwarts a few days after my visit to Scrimgeour. I even told the Auror in front of my door of my departure. He looked absolutely stunned and I was suddenly glad that I had allowed myself this small amusement.  
A turn and much clenching later, I arrived in the streets of Hogsmeade. I had not been around people a lot and the change in mood was incredible.

The war had robbed the whole wizarding community of all hope and of all happiness. Now, though, people were freely walking the street, chatting and laughing as they went.  
No one paid me much attention as I walked the familiar road up towards the castle gates. It was strange being in this familiar setting. Nothing changed and yet it seemed so different - it was as if all this belonged to another life. As if, even though everything was the same, I did not belong here anymore.

The gates rose high above me. Unexpectedly, they were open - but I supposed that the school, too, had nothing to fear, anymore. Gone were the times were Death Eaters would infiltrate the castle walls.  
Fog hang over the grounds, but the towers already broke through the mist. It was a beautiful sight and lifted my spirits immediately. For the first time in a long while, I felt moderately safe.

The castle doors to the castle were closed, but opened when I approached. My steps grew more hesitant as I drew closer. It had been more than two years since I had last been here and I only now realized how much I had missed the place.  
It was around lunchtime and the Entrance Hall was buzzing with the noises coming from hundreds of students in the Great Hall. Carefree, they were, happy. I wished that I still belonged to them.

There was one good thing about my timing - I was instantly spotted. Professor McGonagall approached me at once, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

"Miss Rosier," she said sharply. "What can I do for you?"

"I wondered if I could talk to Professor Dumbledore," I said. "I have some urgent matters to discuss with him."

Her lips pressed tightly together, but she nodded sharply. Thankfully, she did not ask what my urgent matters were. Instead, she waved for me to follow her.  
Students were watching us curiously while we passed, some of them whispering when they spotted me. A few probably still recognized me from years ago, some perhaps also from newspaper articles. My little quip the other day had instantly made the headlines. That woman I had said it to had called me 'a Death Eater's whore'. I wondered if I could maybe sue her.

Before I knew it, we had arrived at our destination. McGonagall uttered the password and then basically shoved me inside onto the spiralling staircase.  
I had only once been to Dumbledore's office and it suddenly made me nervous. Maybe I should not be barging in here. Then again, if Dumbledore had just answered my letters, I would not have to resort to this.

I stepped into the office and I found that he was already expecting me. His eyes were sparkling as he took me in and I squared my shoulders, mostly to assure myself of my own self-confidence.

"Professor," I greeted.

"Miss Rosier," he said, gesturing for me to sit down.

I did not want to, though, too striking was the resemblance to my talk at the Ministry. I shook my head slightly, but put my bag onto the chair he had indicated.  
"There are some matters we have to discuss," I announced.

"Obviously," he said. "Your letters have reached me."

I narrowed my eyes at him. A part of me had hoped, that somehow the owls had got intercepted, that somehow he had not known of my plight. The reassurance that nothing like that had happened only served to infuriate me further.  
"Then let's not beat around the bush," I said. "I want Harry."

"Harry lives with his aunt and uncle," Dumbledore said calmly, crossing behind his desk and sitting back down.

I pursed my lips. "I know," I said. "But that's not where he should stay. They both hate wizards, Lily barely had any contact with her sister... she wanted me to take care of Harry if anything ever happened. I'm ready to do just that!"

Dumbledore sighed heavily. His usually so lively eyes were suddenly heavy with sadness. He rubbed finger over his long nose and adjusted his glasses before he answered me. "I believe he should be with family," he said.

My fingers curled around the back of the chair so hard that my knuckles turned white. I knew a thing or two about family and if there was one thing I had learnt in the last few years, it was that family was not only made by blood. It was made by caring about each other and I very much doubted that his aunt and uncle would care very much about Harry.  
"Sirius and I are just as much his family," I told Dumbledore. "If not more."

"Sirius is not available," he pointed out. "And he won't be."

I gritted my teeth at this. "As we're already on topic," I said. "I know you protected Severus Snape. Surely, Sirius would have deserved the same."

"Severus Snape has repented," Dumbledore said. "Reversed his actions and has sworn loyalty to me and this school. Did Sirius do the same?"

I let out a desperate laugh. It was not very appropriate, yet it broke forth with such power that I could not stop it. All my frustration, my helplessness, the unfairness of the situation just broke down in this sound. Dumbledore watched me calmly until I had my vocal chords under control again.  
"Repent?" I whispered "From what? I am sure that he has done nothing wrong."

Dumbledore took a deep breath. "All proof points against him," he said calmly.

"You should know better," I retorted. "The whole Order relies only on your word and yet, there's no trusting in you! You free the evil man and let the good one rot! You stole the child from those who are to care for it! There's no relying on you, there's no relying on Gryffindors!"

I grabbed my back from the chair and swung it angrily across my shoulder. I wondered why I had thought that this was a good idea, that this would help. Gryffindors, I thought bitterly, they acted rashly, they either trusted completely or not at all, and once they had made up their mind, there was no changing it. If I broke down my life's mistakes, it all came down to socializing with Gryffindors. I should have known better from the beginning.

"Miss Rosier," Dumbledore said, attempting to placate me.

"No!" I snapped back. "Please, if you're not going to act, I don't want to hear any calming words! Sirius is innocent. Peter was the Secret Keeper, you have to know that! Sirius is rotting in Azkaban, everyone knows that people barely make it through the first three years! And even if he does, he'll never be the same. All for defending his friends."

Now that the first wave of anger ebbed away, the tears started to fall. Against my very well, I wondered what my mother would say if she saw me like that. Surely, she would have reminded me to keep a stiff upper lip. I had done anything but that, lately.  
Dumbledore, in turn, was watching me sympathetically. It did little to comfort me, quite the contrary. If he had been empathizing, he would have helped Sirius already. But he had not.

"When I thought about a new world," I said. "I thought it would be better than this."

If he had any opinion on the matter, he did not voice it and I was glad for it.

* * *

 **So... this story will be wrapped up next week. One more chapter and an epilogue still to go... tell me, what do you think will happen? I'm excited for your ideas ;)**


	22. December 20, 1981

**Thanks to everyone who read, fav'd, alerted and most of all to Ash-Caro-Lynn and BelieverofManyThings for reviewing!**

 **This is it - the last chapter. It feels very weird. There is going to be an epilogue tomorrow, but still... I'm gonna miss this story ;)**

* * *

 **December 20, 1981**

* * *

There was one room in the house that I had designated to be the nursery. I was sitting in the doorway, leaning against the door-frame with my back and pressing my feet to the other side. I had not turned on the lights, even though the sun had long since set and a storm was raging outside.  
It was because I did not have the will to get up. My stomach was growling furiously, but I ignored that, too. Getting up and preparing food seemed more arduous than sitting here, hungry.

Having this room was a little bit silly - I knew that, legally, I would never get Harry. Plans had begun spinning in my head, how I could break into Petunia's home, just take the child and run far, far away. Out of the contrary, out from under the watchful eye of the Ministry and Dumbledore.  
I knew I would never succeed, but I needed to hold onto this small hope. I had nothing else left.

It was close to Christmas. The only present I had bought was a toy for Harry. Maybe, if I sent it by Muggle post, it would reach him. I had also applied to the Ministry to be allowed to see Sirius, but they still suspected me of being affiliated with Death Eaters and refused.  
I would be alone. There was nowhere to go and no one to come see me. I had never been so utterly lonely.

I wondered what the Auror outside was thinking, if he thought I had gone out and was not home. On the other hand, I had taken to inform him of my coming and going. Perhaps he thought I was asleep already.

A knock rang harshly through the cottage and I flinched. It hurt, because my head collided with the door-frame, hard. A hiss escaped my throat and I reached up to rub my hand over the back of my head.  
Whoever it was knocked again. Maybe this was one of those cases were two people had one and the same thought and the Auror was knocking on my door. Maybe I was just getting desperate for company.  
I decided not to open the door.

The person on the door was very persistent, though. They knocked again - and then, when I thought of placing a Silencing Charm, they called out to me.  
"Selene! Open the door!"

I was on my feet at once, then. It was Evan. He sounded much gentler than the last time we had talked and yet there was no mistaking that voice.  
I knew I should not open the door. I knew it. In contrast to Sirius, Evan actually was a Death Eater, he had tried to kill me several times. There was no knowing what he would do.  
But I was starved for company. It had been long since I had seen a familiar face, much less talked to someone. And if he was here to kill me... well perhaps that was not the most horrible thing that had happened to me so far.

I almost stumbled down the stairs and had to steady myself before wrenching the front door open. Evan had never looked so dishevelled. He looked starved, his hair tousled, his clothes soaked due to the rain. The deep rings under his eyes spoke of long, sleepless nights.

"Evan," I said.

His lips twisted into a tired smile. It was like this person was not the brother I had known for the past few years. In fact, he reminded me a little bit of a younger Evan, before all that Death Eater business had twisted him.

"Will you let me in?" he asked.

Death wish or not, I could not deny my nature and I could not let him inside without at least asking one more question. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm soaked," he said, exasperated. "I'm tired and cold and I have nowhere else to go. Will you let me in?"

There was no saying why, but I stepped aside and he brushed past me at once, shaking the water off himself like a dog when he was inside. I watched without protest while my floor watered up.

"You're being awfully gullible," he said, when he stopped shaking. His hand came away dripping when he raked a hand through his hair. It was longer than I had ever seen it.

"I have nothing left to lose," I said. "And I figure... you're my brother. Least I can do is let you dry up. D'you want a tea?"

He stared at me as if I had gone mad. Perhaps I had. Evan nodded though, accepting my offer of a drink. Somehow, I managed to smile at him, probably because my mental capabilities actually were reduced and walked past him into the kitchen.  
He followed me and watched as I busied myself with the kettle. His eyes burned into the back of my head and I wished that I had had the strength to slam the door into his face.

"Awfully big house for a lone woman," he commented.

I threw him a look over my shoulder. "Don't be an arse about it," I said. "They'll figure out Sirius is innocent and he'll be back in no time."

"Right," Evan said. "Personally, I think seeing Sirius Black as a Death Eater is the joke of the century. Who really believes it?"

Apparently, more than enough people and mostly important people. I did not tell Evan that. I wanted to keep the confident aura up for as long as I could. Instead, I shrugged lightly, while a flick of my wand let the water boil.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in a kitchen," Evan commented.

"Well, I don't have any servants here," I said. "I just have to do my own work."

"Do you regret it?" he asked and I abruptly turned back to watch him. He looked so earnest about it - as if he was honestly curious about my answer. I could not imagine that there was any doubt about my decisions.

"No," I said. "I don't."

"Mother said you wanted to marry him," Evan said. "Is that true?"

I raised an eyebrow at him. Obviously disownment was not as final as I had once thought. They were still gossiping about me behind my back. As it turned out, nothing much had changed "Not wanted," I corrected. "Still want to. As I said, it's only a matter of time."

I shoved the mug in his hand and he hissed as some of the contents spilled over. I did not bother feeling sorry about it, it was nothing Evan had not deserved.  
I added milk to my tea while he cleaned his hands. This was the strangest thing that had happened to me in a long while. Perhaps I should have been more afraid, or at least more suspicious. But I could not bring myself to. Instead, I just felt vaguely pleased to be talking to an actual person.

"And what about the child?" he inquired.

"If you think I'm going to tell you anything about Harry, you're very sadly mistaken," I said.

He smiled wryly. "Now that the Dark Lord is gone," he said. "You hardly have anything to fear."

"That boy is all that's left of my family," I bit back. "I'm not going to hand him over to you, Voldemort gone or not."

My brother actually flinched when I uttered the Dark Lord's name and I wrenched a cruel laugh from my throat. I could not believe that someone who served him so faithfully would still be afraid of the name. I did not like speaking it either, admittedly, but it had been well worth it to see Evan's reaction.

"They're looking for me," he said when he had pulled himself together again. "I wouldn't make it very far with a baby on my hands."

"I don't think you'll steal a baby, I'm more afraid you'd kill him," I said at once.

His eyes flashed darkly and I immediately took a step back. I knew that look all too well - it was the look that prophesied that he was going to do something horrible and cruel.

"Don't," I said. "Even start. I'm not going to tell you anything."

Evan put his mug onto the kitchen table behind him. "Then killing you will have no point at all," he said lightly. "Do you really want that?"

I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat. I had known that this would happened, had I not, and I had still let him in tonight. I probably had known from the moment that his voice had sounded through the closed door. I was stupid.  
"You're wrong," I said. "If I gave Harry away, then there'd be no point. Call it my last attempt at being a hero."

He laughed at that and it almost sounded like the joyful laugh that I knew from childhood. He was insane, I realized. My brother was not a monster, not the cold-blooded murderer I thought him to be. He was insane, perhaps since he first became a Death Eater and now, with his master gone, he had gone over the edge for good.

"What did you do to the guy outside?" I asked lightly, putting my mug down as well. There was no point disgracing myself by tea spilled over my dead body.

"Killed him, what else?" Evan shot back.

They would switch shifts soon, I realized. They would find the dead guard and probably rush right in here to see what had happened. Soon, but not soon enough. What a tragedy, I thought, that I would miss my saviours by such a short time. With any luck, they'd at least capture my brother.

"I'm sorry, Evan," I whispered. "For what's become of you."

He laughed again, then. "What do you know?"

I stepped forward and captured his hand in mine. "Do it, then," I said. His other hand was already clenching his wand. "Do it, brother, don't make me wait."

The tip of his wand tapped onto my temple. "Last chance, _sister_. I can still let you live."

"At least don't lie to me," I said.

Our eyes met and I wondered why I did not fight. Perhaps I was just tired. Perhaps I was not brave enough. Perhaps because I knew that I did not stand a chance and I would rather keep my dignity. Keep a stiff upper lip. Go down like a Slytherin would.  
Evan smiled a little at me and then uttered the last words I would ever hear.

" _Avada Kedavra_."

* * *

 **...**

 **...**

 **...**

 **I'm sorry?**


	23. Epilogue

**Epilogue - August 18, 1993**

* * *

A black, shaggy dog was strolling down the street. His fur was drenched and clung to his slender form.  
He was padding down the road, shaking himself every one in a while. Now and again, he would stop in a particularly deep shadow and appeared to look behind him as if he feared to be followed. But he was a stray and no one cared for lone dogs in this part of town.

At last, the dog passed the cemetery's gate. It's ornate metal furnishings looming over him. He stopped, looking up and then along the road as if considering his path. He shook himself again and strayed forward into the cool loneliness of the graveyard.  
Any man might have found it too fearsome for a nightly stroll but the dog seemed unfazed by the grave implications veiling the place.

The dog strolled, almost elegant in his movements, among the graves as though he knew exactly where he was going. Finally, he stopped. He sniffed and turned once more to come face to face with one of the most unusual headstones.

For the passerbyers, this grave was the cause of much fantasy and rumour. It bore the most unusual name - the name of a boy hardly old enough to be called a man.

The dog stepped closer, dropping his head as if in sorrow. Then, he turned his head and it seemed as if he froze.  
It seemed he had noticed another grave, almost as peculiar as the first. Of a girl who died almost as young and whose name to the good citizens of the town seemed almost as strange.

The dog took another step, shook himself and then raised his head to the moon and stars above. His howl of grief and despair echoed throughout the town and was such, that even ears later, it seemed to still sound out of every fiber of the place.

* * *

 **Ha, wow, thanks to Ash-Caro-Lynn, BelieverofManyThings, "Guest", Tina0609 and sainlyinsain for reviewing yesterday!**

 **This is the very end, not only of this story but of a whole series of stories and it is weird to part with it, though I am a little glad ;) Thanks to everyone who supported this story, especially to my two loyal reviewers (Ash-Caro-Lynn and BelieverofManyThings) and well... yeah, this is the end.**

 **I will eventually post a new Harry Potter story, but it will be some time (a lot of time probably), because my energy is currently focused on the Thor/Avengers-fic I am writing (if you want to check that out by the way, I'd be happy).**

 **Okay. This really is it, I'll stop rambling now.  
Have yourself a lovely day!**


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